


The Heartbreaker

by Valerieeexox



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Depressed Harry, Lots of Angst, Love, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Switches POV a lot, happy ending tho i swear, idk - Freeform, larry - Freeform, past ones though, theres one smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-01 06:04:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 39,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valerieeexox/pseuds/Valerieeexox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson made the biggest mistake of his life; he trusted his management, Modest. He thought his decision would help the band. But what happens when that decision might end up doing the exact opposite? Even worst, break his best mate Harry's heart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Harry couldn't believe it. He was shaking and couldn't stop the tears pouring down his face. It had all been a lie and he hated himself for being so stupid. How could he have believed a word of it? He felt that feeling again. That feeling he hadn't felt in a while, since he had been happy but it was all over now. He had wanted to get better for the fans, for his best mates and most of all for Louis. But he didn't care anymore. None of it mattered anymore. He couldn't take it anymore and he ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom. He started looking for it, where had he put it last? He finally put his hand on the box and sat down leaning against the wall.

He stared at it and the tears started again. He was so weak. He was nothing. He was stupid. Closing his eyes he opened them again and pulling his sleeve up, pressed the blade across his wrist.


	2. Prologue

LOUIS P.O.V

FLASHBACK

When we got the call of the urgent meeting from management, Harry isn't with us so we just thought he would meet us there but when we arrive they tell us Harry could not be informed of this. We send each other worried looks but sit down anyways.

"So boys, we've brought you here because we need to talk about something important."

"Why isn't Harry here then?" Liam asked

"He isn't here because it concerns Harry's behavior lately." No one answers. We knew this would come.

"You boys have noticed he's not the same anymore. We need to change things." Okay it is true, Harry almost never smiles anymore, sometimes sending forced ones to fans but that was usually all of it. He never talks to us either, every time we ask him what's wrong he'd just leave the room. He usually ended up somewhere drunk too. It made the news a lot and people are getting worried.

"What can we do? It'll just pass; it's probably just a phase." I say not quite believing what I'm saying

"Louis we all know that's not true." I sigh but motion for them to keep talking.  
"We have an idea, we need him to be happy and we think we might know how." They all turn their eyes on me and I look at the lads who are as confused as I am. They then hand us all a stack of papers. No it isn't just the normal thing, it's a contract. I don't like where this is going. I read it and my eyes go wide. I slam it on the table and get up, fuming with rage.

"I am not doing this! You are insane he is my best mate!" The three lads get up too and they are as angry as I am. We couldn't go along with this, it would ruin our band, our friendship with Harry.

"Louis you have to think about what it could do for the band"

"We know Harry isn't well but it will pass! He will get better and none of this needs to happen"

"Sign it Louis"

"I wont do it"

"You have to"

"No!"

"Don't be ridiculous Louis just sign the contract"

"I'm not doing this and you can't force me."

"You're acting like a child Louis. It's for the best interest of the band, he can't keep going like that you will lose all your fans." I stop right there and look at my management. They are staring at me with certainty in their eyes. I look back at the 3 other lads at the meeting for their help. They are speechless. I can see none of them approve of this plan but maybe, they thought, maybe Modest was right. I can tell there's a small sign of doubt in their eyes and that was all Modes needed. I run nth and through my hair in exasperation, I don't want to do this to my best mate. Harry. The cheeky boy who always makes me smile and is always there for me, smiling with his dimple and sparkling green eyes. But he hasn't been that boy in a while and I know it.

"Tell us, how is that supposed to make Harry better? If he's already not well emotionally... why the last part?" Zayn tries to ask not sure how to say it but they understand what he means.

"Because we think it will wake him up. Make him understand that he can't keep going like that and it's a mistake. And in the end, it could make great publicity for the band."

I read it again, my mind still spinning. I feel like the font is getting bigger each time I look at it.

Make Harry Styles fall in love with you

Break his heart.

The last line, I'm stuck on it. How can I do that? My best mate I can't possibly agree. Neither of us are gay also how could it work? It will never work. I look back at the three boys but none of them would meet my eyes. I stare back down at the paper in front of me and make the stupidest decision of my life. I pick up the pen and I sign it.

END OF FLASHBACK


	3. Chapter 3

I was so stupid. Why did I do that? At the time I just thought it would be good for the band and in the end Harry and I would just laugh about it and we'd all go back to normal. Wow am I dumb. I just crushed my best mate's heart and he hates me right now. The tears on my cheeks are drying as I remember the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. He was never meant to find that contract why couldn't I hide it better? I had hidden it in the drawer of my bedside table and of course, stupid me forgot about it and asked him to go get me my phone that was in there. I have never seen so much hurt on his face until he came back downstairs crying. I don't know where he is now he just left. He ran out crying and I'm scared he might get lost or do something stupid. He wouldn't listen to me. The thing is I am completely in love with him too. I had almost forgotten why I was doing this in the beginning. I don't blame him though for not believing me; I wouldn't believe myself either.

I guess I have to call Liam soon and the other boys, they should know. I get up start looking around for the phone. I dial Liam's number and wait for him to answer.

"Hey Liam it's Lou. I think you guys should all come over like right now."

"Alright see ya then" I hang up and look around the living room, the tears threatening to start again. I go open the TV and stare blankly at it, not even paying attention to what is playing. I hear a knock on the door and I go open it. I see the 3 boys looking at me with smiles until they see my face, my eyes probably still red and puffy and their smile turns into a frown. I motion for them to come in and we go sit in the living room.

"Louis where's Harry?" Niall asks. I look at them for a couple minutes, I don't exactly know what to say nor do I trust my voice at the moment.

"Harry's gone." I finally manage to say, they all look at me in bewilderment.

"Gone? Gone where? Why is he gone?" Liam starts to panic

"He found it." A silence is installed in the room.

"F-found it w-what do you mean found it? The contract?" Zayn's voice cracks when he says the last part. All I can do is nod and the tears come back and I let out a sob. Liam, Niall and Zayn all stare at each other's in shock and worry. Niall then gets up and hugs me, pulling me close to his chest while I continue sobbing.

"H-he just l-looked so hurt I-I don't think he's e-ever coming b-back" I stutter

"Louis don't worry we'll find him, he'll come back and even realize that you really do love him." Liam tells me looking into my eyes with sympathy and determination. I shake my head, still trying to stop the tears. Liam and Zayn then get up and try and call everyone they know, see if maybe someone saw Harry or know where he is. The hunt to find Harry has now started.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry this is really short. Next chapter will be longer


	4. Chapter 4

Harry's P.O.V

I've been walking around London for a while now. I don't know how long anymore maybe hours; I lost track of time but it's dark out now. I think I'm lost too but I don't even care right now. I can't believe Louis would do that to me. I thought we were in love and I was stupid enough to fall for it. For everything. All those laughs we shared these past few weeks, all these moments, kisses it was all a lie. I was beyond hurt when I found out; I was angry like I've never been. But now, after a couple hours I'm mostly hurt, disappointed whatever. I guess you can say Louis Tomlinson broke my heart. Yup I had fallen in love and that's what hurts the more. I thought he loved me back, I really did. I think back to myself when I found out he was just playing me.

FLASHBACK

"Louis!" I'm sitting on the couch and me and Louis are cuddling while drinking some tea and watching a movie.

"What do you want Harry?" He looks down at me

"I'm hungry"

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" I jump out of his arms

"Yes! Can we go to that Italian restaurant down the street?"

He chuckles. "Fine but wait could you go upstairs and get me my phone in our room while I clean up our teas then we can go?"

"Sure" I head up the stairs and into our room. It's pretty messy, there are clothes laid out around he floor everywhere. I look around. Where could his phone be? I see the bedside table and there is nothing on it but I decide to check the drawer, maybe it's in there. I've never looked inside that drawer, Louis usually doesn't really let me but then again I never made a big deal out of it, I thought he probably just has a stash of condoms in there or something. I open it and I see two things; his phone is there so I take it, and a stack of paper folded in half. I've never seen that before. I look behind me and try and listen, making sure Louis is still downstairs as I sit on the bed and open it.

I realize it's a contract with all the fancy writing and I recognize Modest's logo but I can't seem to remember seeing this before. I look at the bottom and notice it has Louis' signature. I frown and read the main points that seem to pop out. At that moment my eyes fill up with tears. It's about me, it's a contract to break my heart. I read it again to make sure I am not imagining anything and look back down at Louis' signature. He signed it. He agreed to this. I look and I also see the other lad's signature on the side to keep it a secret. That's when I realize it had all been a lie. Everything Louis has told me; when he first kissed me, when he said he loved me for the first time he was lying. He's never loved me, he's been doing this for Modest.

The tears won't stop rolling down my cheeks and I bring my hand to my mouth, trying to hold back my sobs, still in shock. My hands are shaking as I take the paper downstairs with me. I arrive in the kitchen and Louis has his back to me, rinsing our cups of teas when he hears me come downstairs.

"So love did you find my-" He turned around while talking and freezes when he sees my face

"Find your what? You're contract cause that I did" I say to him, the tears just won't stop and I feel the anger rising up in me.

"Harry please you have to listen to me" He pleads, bringing his hand forward but I back away

"Listen to you? What to believe any more lies? It was all just a lie, you never loved me and I was stupid enough to believe it! I loved you and you just played with my heart! How could you?" I was basically yelling now but I didn't care. I was done. Done with him, done with everyone.

"Harry please stop yelling.." He had tears in his eyes too but I didn't care.

"No I'm done." I let go of the paper that practically ruined my life and run out of the flat. I could hear Louis call my name but I didn't turn back, I just kept running.

END OF FLASHBACK

I shake my head, the horrible thoughts just coming back to me. I can't go back. I don't think I will. I remember thankfully our contract with the band ends in a couple weeks so I guess I won't have to sign again. I will never have a regular life anymore but at least I won't be forced to see the people who have completely broken me anymore. I shouldn't think about that right now, luckily I had my wallet with me before since we were supposed to head out for dinner so maybe I can find a small hotel somewhere around. It's pretty dark out but I have absolutely no idea what time it is. I keep walking for a bit and see a small one, seems quiet I don't think anyone will recognize me there. Perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

Louis P.O.V

I want to go back home. Harry is out there and I want to go look for him. It's been two days I need to go back but the lads won't let me. Modest set a meeting for us when Liam called to tell them Harry found out. We've been in here for almost ten minutes yet and no one's said a word. The boys are mostly having what seems to be a staring contest with management while I just keep my eyes to the ground. Finally one of them cleared their throat and I look up to see what they would have to say.

"So now we must find a way to fix this since Louis here messed up and Harry is gone." Please tell me I did not hear that

"Excuse me? I messed up? None of this is my fault you people made me do this!" I am getting quite angry and Liam is beside me trying to calm me down but I shake him off

"If you had hidden that contract better maybe none of this would have happened" That's it now I'm angry

"Maybe if you hadn't made me sign it none of this would have happened!" I am yelling now. Liam is still trying to calm me down tracing circles with his hand on my back and I put my head in my hands. What if they're right? What if this is my entire fault?

"We must do something about this, and fast." We look at them confused.

"Why can't we just let him calm down for a couple of days? He could always come back, why does it have to be soon?" Zayn finally speaks up

"I think you boys know, your contract with the band ends soon."

I freeze. Of course, I forgot. But I know Harry remembers, he reminded me last week. Oh no, he could not sign again. I feel my eyes filling with tears again. The lads are confused; they don't understand why that would matter.

"So what if our contract ends soon?" Liam asks

It's still quiet; none of Modest wants to answer him.

"Harry might not want to sign again" I whisper quietly but they heard me. Their eyes go wide in shock and Niall gasps, he's on the verge of tears as well. I feel tears roll down my cheeks as I realize I have ruined this band.

"We think, you boys should all five, go to a sort of beach house, all alone and no contact with the outside world or anything at least for a little while so you guys can try and fix things, rebond all together." It might be a good idea. Kind of like when we first got together during the X-Factor, Harry loved that.

"Do you really think Harry will accept to even see us after this? Let alone with us at a beach house alone for a couple weeks!!" Liam protests and I have to admit he's right. He will never accept this.

"We know and you boys will have to try and convince him to." How the hell are we gonna do that?

"You know where I should be right now? I should be at my own flat, waiting for him to come home or even out looking for him but no. I am stuck here with all of you and you people are giving stupid ideas. Liam's right he'll never accept! I wouldn't be surprised if he never even showed up again around here." I say and I storm out of the room, all of management just staring at me with a bored face as if they expected me to storm out and the lads following right behind me. I can't take it anymore I just need to go home and continue to search for Harry. This meeting was a pure waste of a couple of precious hours searching for him.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry's P.O.V

I have been in this little hotel room for almost two days now. I think I'm going crazy. I want to go home, with Louis but I can't. I don't think I'll ever be going back. I'm thinking of going to my mum's back in Holmes Chapel. Maybe I need that, some family time. I am going to need some of my stuff though. Maybe I can find a time while Louis' not home and just go get some of my stuff. I sigh, I don't think I'll be able to avoid him forever like I would like to but I would rather not see him yet. I am not ready to face him; I'll probably end up bursting in tears. I am acting like such a girl at the moment but I don't even care. I am broken and that's the end of it. I look back at my bare arms, the scars that were beginning to fade ever since I had been with Louis. Because I was happy. But now my arms are completely filled with new cuts again. Some are still bleeding and the sting feels so good. I had to go down in the near pharmacy and buy some razors because I was practically having a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, the tears wouldn't stop and it was all o could think about. I broke my own promise, I was clean for months and now it's all ruined. I don't think I'll be able to take it much longer anymore, not if I stay here.

I was not well these past months, I got depressed with all that hate I was getting and so I started going out with girls a lot and simply being rude to everyone, blocking the lads out because I didn't want them to know I was miserable and getting in my problems. I was still me most the times but I spent more times in my room then with the boys and I talked less in interviews. I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong with me and it even got worst so it happened one day. I started cutting. It was just an experience one day, I thought it might help and I was surprised when it did and I couldn't stop after that. It became an addiction and I would cry sometimes, thinking I was so weak I had to resolve to cutting.

I need to leave this room. My own thoughts are going to kill me. I go down in the lobby to pay for the room and thankfully the person at the front desk is a man in his maybe fifties so I have less chances of being recognized but either way I keep my head down. I call a taxi and ask him to drop me off a block before my flat. I pay him then start heading there, praying there is no one home. Luckily there are no cars in the driveway and all the lights are off. They're probably all out for lunch or something, having fun without me. Not like they care anyways that I'm miserable. I head inside quickly. I want to be as fast as possible before anyone else gets home. I open the door and everything is exactly the way I left it. Neat and clean, nothing's changed.

I go up to my room and take out a bag from my closet and I start filling it with my favorite clothes. Then I take my tooth brush, hair brush and some more products from my bathroom. Then I see it. My pink blanket that me and Louis have in doubles. He has the blue one though. I take it and consider bringing it with me but I decide against it. Something just comes over me in that second remembering how he gave it to me and I just rip it in half. I leave it on the bed, the room almost half empty, you can tell I came by to take my stuff.

I head back downstairs and look around once more. I am going to miss this flat; we've had some great memories in here. I remember the time I got sick and Louis tried to make me soup and almost got the whole kitchen on fire. That memory makes me smile a bit. Almost. I put my key on the counter beside my phone charger which I take fast before heading out the door. One last look behind me.

"Good-bye Lou."

I head outside. I walk to the train station that is thankfully a couple minutes by walk and buy a ticket to Holmes Chapel. I am on the train and I text my mum to tell her I'll be home soon. A few tears escape my eyes but I brush them away quickly. I have to try and forget them. I need to.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis P.O.V

We get home from that stupid meeting and the ride in the car was silent. No one wanted to say anything. The lads followed upstairs and I opened my front door to the flat I share with Harry. I go inside, something is different. I look around the kitchen and the living room. Everything is still in place. I look around curiously and the boys are giving me weird looks. Something is different I know it I just can't put my finger on it. Then I realize. The smell in the air, it smells like Harry, like he's been here recently.

"Harry?" I yell out upstairs. No answer

"Louis? I don't think Harry is home..." Zayn tries to tell me.

"He's been here, I can feel it." I answer back and run up the stairs the three lads right behind me. I head up to go check our room. I stop in front of the door and try and steady myself. I take breaths to calm me down and I open the door. I look around but I don't see the curly boy I am looking for. I check the washroom too but he's not there. The lads are standing in the room too, they haven't been really ever been in here. Maybe I just miss him too much so I am hallucinating. I frown. Some of his drawers are half open like someone tried to close them fast but failed.

I check his bedside table and some of his stuff is missing. My eyes go wide. I run back in the bathroom and his tooth brush and some hair products are gone. My eyes start to tear up and I hear myself sob. He was here. He came back to take some of his stuff. He's gone and he was here while I was at that stupid modest meeting. I am so angry I punch the wall to get some of the frustration out.

"He's gone. He was here and now he's gone again." I keep whispering it to myself and I finally break down. I start crying and slide down my back leaning against the wall. I put my head between my knees and I realize I am shaking. I feel someone come and hug me closely, whispering things in my ear to calm me down but I don't even hear half of it. Niall and Zayn are staring at something and seem frozen. Niall is crying also while Zayn has a blank expression.

"Wh-what what is it?" My voice is shaking

They both look back at me with something like guilt in their eyes or maybe it's pity. I am not sure my eyes are too watery to tell. Niall first comes and put something cold in my palm and when I look it's a key. His key. He's not coming back. I close my eyes and Zayn also hands me something but soft. It smells like Harry and feels familiar; I open my eyes to see what it is. I break down in tears even more. I can't stop and I can't seem to breathe. It's the pink blanket we have in doubles. I have the blue one. He never leaves for a long time without it and he left it there. He ripped it apart just like my heart feels like right now. I can't stop crying now and Liam hugs me tighter and I put my face into his chest. I need my Hazza back. I don't know where he is though. Zayn and Niall both sit down and join into the hug and I feel a tad better. At least I know I still have them.

"I'm so sorry Lou. We'll get him back don't worry" I hear Liam whisper to me and I can't get myself to answer, I don't trust my voice right now so I just nod.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry's P.O.V

When I knock on my front door and my mum opens she has the biggest look of surprise, especially since I'm crying. She opens up her arms and I run to hug her. It feels good to be home.

I have been here for about three days now and I locked myself in my room only going out to go to the bathroom or eat but I've barely eaten. My mum hasn't tried to get me out either, she knows I need time alone and for that I am grateful. I admit I did find some razors still around and I wasn't able to resist the temptation. I feel guilty doing this under my roof but I can't not do it. The lads are still texting me and calling regularly, hoping I'll answer but I don't even bother looking at my phone. I think my mum called them to let them know I was home so at least they'd worry less. I don't want to talk to any of them though; they knew and they were part of the plan. They helped him. Louis. Every time I think of him, his ocean blue eyes and his soft brown hair I start crying again. You'd think I would run out of tears after almost five days of only crying but nope, I am still going strong. I have nightmares too now, every night and I can't sleep. I haven't showered in a couple days and I probably look like shit but I couldn't care less.

"Harry will you please come downstairs for me?" I hear my mum calling and sigh. She's been so supportive and helpful these past few days so I can at least be a bit nice so I head downstairs in the living room. I get in and I realize she is not alone. Sitting on my couch are Paul, Harry from Modest and the 4 boys I thought were my best friends, not even meeting my eyes. Anger rushes to me in a couple seconds. They come into my house after everything but they can't even look at me? I am so angry but I don't show it, instead I just turn to my mum who is sitting with them.

"What is it mum?" She hears the anger in my voice but doesn't comment on it.

"Harry please sit down they would like to have a word with you" I don't move a muscle. "Harry?"

"I am fine standing up." I reply in a harsh tone and she doesn't argue back. Harry finally decides to speak up.

"Harry we would like you to rethink your decision to leave the band."

"There's nothing to rethink. My contract expires in three weeks and I have nothing left worth staying in this band." I spit back. Finally the boys all look up at me but my eyes are hard and dead. I show no emotions anymore, because my soul is broken.

"Harry, be reasonable, think of all your fans out there, who are counting on you, who need you" I flinch a bit when put that way; I adore my fans they're everything to me.

"They wouldn't want me to be miserable just so I can sing some stupid songs" I argue back

"Harry stop it. You don't mean that you love this band and performing on stage." Liam finally speaks up

"You put your heart out to it every day and you love it." Zayn also tries to help Liam's case but I remain cold and distant

"I don't know if you read the contract properly Zayn but I did and I am not sure where my heart is at anymore." That shut him up and Louis finally looks at me, tears coming out from his eyes and I have the urge to go over and comfort him but then I remember the past few days and I don't move from my spot. We just stare at each other for a couple minutes and no one says anything. Paul coughs awkwardly and we all turn our heads back to him.

"Harry we know you wouldn't accept right on the spot, you need more time so we've arranged for you five lads to be sent to an beach house, no contact whatsoever with the outside world. Just all five of you working on that friendship of yours and getting it stronger. Hey maybe write some songs in the process." Did I just hear what I think he said? Me and them four together for three weeks alone? No way.

"What? No way I am not doing this I told you already my decision is final!" I don't want to go, the lads look hurt by what I'm saying but I don't care anymore.

"Harry, please" I turn and see Niall, tears in his eyes and begging for me to come.

"Harry please, don't split this band, we need you don't let this be the end." Louis pleads me and I finally look at him and tears spill down my face.

"This band was over when you signed that contract." He is full on crying now and I almost feel bad, maybe I went too far but I shake my head again and look away from all of them. I look at my mum who hasn't said a word since the beginning of this conversation but she never left.

"Mum" I whisper, hoping for her support but she shakes her head at me.

"Harry Edward Styles, I think you should go." I shake my head again, I can't form words anymore. She approaches me but I don't look at her. "Harry, listen to me" I still don't look her way so she cups my face with her hands, forcing me to look at her. "Harry, you are going to go there and fix everything with these boys, they love you so much and they made a mistake, a big one but they love you and they're trying to fix it." I shake my head at her the protests getting stuck in my throat and I look back at her, pleading me with her eyes. "Please Harry, do it for me I don't ever want to see you like this again." Tears escape my eyes and I give her a weak nod. She sighs and hugs me but I don't hug back.

"Alright perfect so Harry, a car will be waiting for you tomorrow morning around 7, be ready" He gets up and leaves, Paul following behind and the boys seem to hesitate but I don't even acknowledge their presence. The second my mum lets me go I turn back and go upstairs in my room. I slam my door and sit on my bed. I have to start packing. What have I gotten myself into?


	9. Chapter 8

Louis P.O.V

That was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I knew he wouldn't react well to this intervention-like band meeting but I didn't think it would be this bad. He just seems dead I've never seen him like this. His eyes, they showed nothing anymore. It's like my Hazza that I knew is gone and it's my fault. I completely broke him apart. The car ride back home to London is quiet and I still can't stop the tears from falling. When he saw me cry though it seems for a second that I saw guilt flash in his eyes but it was gone before I knew it. The boys can't seem to snap out of their trance either, all three of them lost in their thoughts. Liam has his head in his hands, Zayn is looking out the window and Niall is just looking at his feet, his expression blank. I see tears on his face too; he can't stop from crying either. Liam finally looks up and breaks the silence.

"I don't think I have ever felt so guilty in my entire life." His voice is roak and shaky.

"Imagine how I feel" I tell him, my eyes still red and puffy from crying.

"Did you see his eyes? They looked so broken, like he'd completely given up on the world" Zayn said the last part quieter like it was only for himself but we all heard it. Liam only nodded and it only made Niall cry harder. Liam went over to hug him but it was too late. I didn't say anything else. I just looked outside the window again, looking at the other cars pass outside. I got dropped off at my flat first and waved back at the boys. I got inside and almost broke down in tears, staring at my dark and empty flat.

It feels so scary without Harry. Knowing that he might never come back either doesn't help. I think again about what Zayn said in the car. "Like he'd completely given up on the world" that sentence just keeps repeating in my head over and over again. I call back to my memory his expression when he saw us, when Harry asked him to sign again and to spend three weeks with us. Zayn was right. It seems as if he has completely given up on everyone; like nothing matters anymore. I can't blame him either. I promise myself that I am going to fix him. Whatever I have to do, I will fix him if it's the last thing I do. I walk upstairs and get myself ready to go to sleep. I walk into my room but decide to start packing first. That might be a better idea. I pack and after half an hour I am done and exhausted.

I get into bed and lay there for about an hour, I can't fall asleep something just doesn't feel right. Oh yeah Harry's not here. I finally decide that I won't be able to fall asleep in my room so I get up, take a pillow and walk downstairs to go on the couch. It's not better but at least I feel less alone. I finally fall into a deep sleep.

I open my eyes the next morning and look at the alarm clock. 6:30 am wow perfect the car is coming to get me in about half an hour so I get up and hop into the shower. I get out and I put on some sweats and a jumper, not really bothering to check how I look. I walk downstairs and eat some cereals real quick. I put my sunglasses on and I am ready at 7 sharp. I hear a honk outside and I grab my suitcase and get in the car. The other lads are already there, looking as exhausted as me and Zayn is already asleep.

"Is Harry going to ride with us?" I ask curiously but Liam shakes his head

"No they're bringing him in another car." I nod and sigh, putting my back against the seat. I take my i-pod out and put the songs on shuffle. Ironically "Fix you" by Coldplay comes on and I close my eyes, imagining Harry's smiling face in my head. I wonder if I'll ever see it again. Before I know it the car stops and someone shakes my shoulder. I must have fallen asleep. We get out of the car and look at the house in front of us. Wow is all I have to say. It is so big with a balcony at like every room and it has perfect view on the beach.

"Is Harry here yet?" I hear Niall behind me asking the chauffeur but he shakes his head so we all just decide to head inside, check out the house.

"This house is beautiful" Liam comments and we all nod in agreement. We head up the stairs and I see the room I want.

"MY ROOM SEE YA" I run to it and the other 3 run around looking for the perfect room that they want also. There are 5 bedrooms, I took the one at the end of the hall and beside me is Zayn then Niall then Liam and the one on the other side of the hall is the empty one which I'm guessing is going to be Harry's. I feel somewhat disappointed that his room won't be close to mine but then again it's not like he had the choice. Suddenly we hear the front door slam and we all freeze.


	10. Chapter 9

Harry's P.O.V

Like I expected, at 7 on the clock there was a car in front of my house. I had hoped it had all been a dream but apparently not. This morning my mum tried to say bye to me but I ignored her. I felt kinda bad after, after all it wasn't really her fault but I was just too angry to answer when she said bye to me. The car finally pulled up in front of a massive beach house. Wow, Modest really went all for it. There weren't any houses close by so we wouldn't be really bothered and it was pretty close to the beach so I'm happy about that at least. I've always loved walking on the beach or just sitting there, watching the stars and listening to the waves crash on the shore. I look back at the house and notice the door is slightly open so I'm guessing the guys are already here. I sigh and pick up my bags and head inside. I was going to close the door silently, trying to make myself go as unnoticed as possible but some fucking wind pushed it closed right after I got in and slammed it. I freeze and I am pretty sure the whole house did.

I hear footsteps upstairs and I sigh again. I look around and the house looks nice enough. There's a kitchen to my right with a living room with a plasma screen and on my left a dining table. Kitchen looks good at least maybe I could cook to occupy myself sometimes. There's a back door and from what I see here there is a fireplace in the backyard and some stairs that lead directly to the beach. Suddenly I hear someone going down the stairs and I see Louis coming down and he stops at the top when he notices I saw him. We just stand there staring at each other for a couple minutes until I finally have enough and look away. He sighs but doesn't mention it.

"Hey Harry" I nod to tell him I heard him but I don't answer. I don't really feel like talking at all at the moment anyways.

"So you want me to show you your room upstairs?" He asks and he seems kind of nervous, like if it was the first time we met. I shrug and this time look back at him and he motions for me to follow him upstairs. I pick up my bags and follow him up to my room. Passing by each of the boy's room they stare at me as if I'm like the new kid in class but I ignore them. My room is the farthest down the hall and it has a view on the beach which I am gladly okay with. It's pretty big, white walls, my own washroom and there's a small seat beside the window. You know those windows where you can sit beside and just look outside? Yeah I have that. I think I could stay here forever if it wasn't for the fact that I don't really want to be here.

"Alright so I'll leave you to unpacking and yeah we're going to watch a movie downstairs if you want to come?" I don't answer I just shrug again, not really in the mood for a movie and he seems disappointed in my refusal but doesn't push it. He looks back at me once more and heads downstairs followed by the other lads. I hear them talking.

"So you think he's coming for the movie?" I hear Niall

"No probably not" Louis answers back

"Give him time Lou he just got here, maybe we can do a bonfire later and he could join us for that" Liam says

"He wouldn't even talk to me Liam what am I supposed to do?" Lou asks with what seems like desperation in his voice

"You fucking try again that's what you do. We didn't come here for three weeks to just see you give up after five minutes Lou." I hear him sigh but he doesn't answer and I just close my door, I am done listening. I sit on the edge of my bed and debate whether or not I should unpack. Oh why the hell not. I am stuck here anyways for a good three weeks might as well. I open my suitcase and unpack my clothes and put them in the drawers and after a good five minutes I finish unpacking. Why does it take so long to pack but less than five minutes to unpack? Maybe I could take a nap I'm not really hungry anyways right now so might as well. I hop into bed and fall asleep immediately.

It's dark out when I wake up. The stars are out and someone is knocking at my door. I get up and flip my hair to fix it before opening the door. Zayn is standing there in sweats, looking quite relieved that I opened the door. He notices my bed hair and my tired eyes and frowns

"Oh were you sleeping Harry? I'm sorry did I wake you up?" He asks and I just shrug and brush it off like it doesn't matter and he nods.

"Okay well we're going to do a bonfire right now, wanted to know if you'd like to join us... please?" He pleads me with his eyes and I sigh and nod and he smiles. He comes to hug me but I wince away. He looks hurt but shrugs it off fast and heads downstairs real quick. I turn back in my room and change into a pair of sweats also and take my Jack Willis sweater. It's a long sleeves so it's better. Hides the cuts. I don't let myself think about that too much and head downstairs to see all four of them are already seated in front of the fire. Niall strumming on his guitar, Liam and Zayn quietly humming along and Louis just staring into the fire. They all look up at me when I come in and I just go sit down at the last empty chair. It's quiet for a while until Niall starts playing little things on his guitar. Zayn starts singing then Liam, the four do the chorus and then Louis sings his part, not with much enthusiasm but he tries. It comes to my turn but I don't sing. I haven't sang since that night and I just can't. I don't know if I'll be able to again. The boys look at me expectingly but when they realize I wont sing try another song. Song after song I don't even make a sound and they sigh, disappointed. I just stare into the fire and Liam Zayn and Niall engage into a conversation but Louis doesn't join them.

I can feel he is staring at me but I try not to look his way. Finally I give up and look at him like what do you want and he seems to be observing me, like trying to figure me out. I suddenly feel uncomfortable and wince a bit. I don't want him to realize I am hiding something big from him. He'll probably never let it go if he knew, he might send me to rehab. But then again he doesn't care right? I get up and head for the beach, deciding to walk to clear my head. The boys all look up when I leave but none of them make a move to stop or come with me.


	11. Chapter 10

I walk for maybe an hour before turning around back to the house and when I can see it again I sit down in the sand and just watch the waves hit the shore, the sound relaxing me. I close my eyes and imagine myself, alone, no one for miles away and it relaxes me for a bit but then this wave of sadness washes through me so I shake it away and just stare blankly at the sea. I suddenly feel someone come sit beside me and I recognize his sweet smell. He doesn't say anything; just stays beside me and stares at the water. Right when I am thinking of leaving Louis breaks the silence.

"Harry?" I don't turn to look at him but I can tell he knows I'm listening. He seems to hesitate to what to say next, like he's not sure how I'm going to react.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?" He whispers but I hear him. I don't answer right away and I keep staring at the water. He keeps looking at me and tears form in his eyes like he doesn't think I'll answer him.

"I don't know Lou" My voice cracks as I finally speak to him and he seems shock that I answered.

"Why not?" This time I turn back to him and he looks at me with worry and sadness in his blue eyes but I am pretty sure the death and sadness in my eyes are nothing compared to his.

"Because it was real for me you know." I answer back

"Harry I promise it was for me too." He pleads to me but I shake my head

"Promises are meant to be broken Louis." He bites his bottom lip, trying to figure out what to say next and I sigh getting up and heading back towards the house.

"How can I gain your trust back Harry?" I stop walking, my back still to him while I hear him get up from where he was sitting in the sand.

"I don't know if you can." I shake my head as I say that and continue walking away, leaving him on the beach, standing there.

"I won't give up on you Harry." I do as if I didn't hear him and keep walking, sprinting the last couple of meters and running all the way up to my room where I close my door real quick and go sit on my bed. I feel the tears streaming down my face once more and let them. My whole body is shaking and I don't know what's wrong with me. I am knackered and I just want to sleep for a whole month but whenever I close my eyes I get nightmares. That's why I am just so scared of being alone right now but even though the lads' rooms are right next to mine I also have never felt more alone. I can't do anything else. I sigh and get into bed. Maybe tonight I will have more sleep. I look at my alarm clock and it is 12:30 am. I stare back at the ceiling, my eyelids getting heavy and sleep engulfing me.

I am alone in the middle of the woods. I look around me and there is no sound, not even an animal just the wind whistling through the trees. It's dark and I look up and the clouds are covering the sky. There is no moon so no light at all.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" I yell out but I get no answer. I am truly alone. I get this knot in my stomach and I'm scared. Something is going to happen I can feel it. I hear footsteps behind me and turn around quickly. There he is. Louis. He is just staring at me, smiling but not the smile I love, a different kind of smile; evil almost.

"Louis? Where are we?" He doesn't answer me; he just keeps staring, his eyes never leaving mine and the smile still on his face.

"Louis? Let's get out of here." I try again and this time I get a reaction from him. He speaks.

"You are so dumb."

"Lou c'mon we have to leave."

"Did you really believe I wanted to be with you?" My eyes tear up at his words and I shake my head. No I won't listen to him. I won't I just need to get out of here.

"You're such an idiot." He continues

"No one likes you" Each words like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

"This band would be better off without you."

"I never loved you." The last one finally breaks me. I fall to the ground in tears and I hear more footsteps around me. I look up and I see the other three boys coming at Louis' side; giving me the same emotionless look.

"This band would be better without you" Liam says with a hard look

"Why are you still here? Leave already." Zayn now talks he has the same look as all of them on his face

"You're a disappointment to us all." Niall adds pointing to my wrists and I look up at them in despair

"Guys please I can change I promise" they shake their heads and all walk away just like that. I try chasing after them but they're always too fast. It's like each step I take brings me further from them then closer.

I wake up in my bed, panting and sweating. I look around and I realize it was all just a dream. I sigh of relief but the tears start rolling down my face again and I choke back a sob. That was by far the worst dream of them all. I run to my bathroom, open the light and go to the sink. I splash my face with cold water and look back up at my reflection. My pale skin makes the purple bags under my eyes pop out and shows that I have not slept in a while. I lift up my sleeves to reveal the dark scars on my pale forearm and the urge comes back once more. I shudder at the thought and leave my bathroom quickly before I do something I might regret. I look at the time and it is 2:59 am. There is no way I am going back to sleep so might as well go out. I decide to go take a walk on the beach to clear my head. I hear thunder outside but it's not raining yet so I don't really worry about it. Grabbing my sweater and my shoes I sneak downstairs and get out by the back door and into the night.


	12. Chapter 11

Louis’ P.O.V

After Harry leaves me on the beach, I stay there for a bit, assembling my thoughts on everything that had just happened. He looked so scared when I tried to promise him I did feel the same way, like if he believed me he would be heartbroken again. I need to prove to him that it won’t happen again, that he can trust me. I sigh and look to the horizon and I fear I see a storm coming. I hear thunder and decide to quickly head back in the house before it starts pouring. I head off to bed and close the light on my bedside table and in three seconds I am out. 

I open my eyes and I see its morning. I look at my alarm clock and the time is 10:22. Not bad I think it’s time to get up. I get out of bed and look out the window. It’s very cloudy outside and after the thunderstorm we had last night, it will probably rain today again. Well seems like our first day here will be spent watching movies inside. I go downstairs and notice the other boys are all up except Harry. 

“Morning Louis” Liam greets me while in the kitchen. 

“Hey Liam, hey guys. Where’s Harry?” Niall shrugs

“Probably still in bed, he always sleeps in” 

“True. So what’s for breakfast oh dear Liam?” He gives me a weird look but smirks

“Pancakes actually and they’re ready so one of you better go wake Harry up.” Before I can say anything Niall gets up and beats me to it.

“I got it!” He says quickly before running upstairs. I look at him leaving with a frown, wishing I was the one going but it’s not that important, he’s just waking him up so I go and sit on a stool at the counter watching Liam cook.

“You know he won’t talk to us but let’s at least hope he’ll cook. I miss his cooking we all suck at it” Liam admits to me and I must admit he is right.

“Please, I miss his famous tacos those were delicious. Oh and the bacon he always makes it perfectly.” Liam laughs at my statement and we hear Niall comes back downstairs. He has a worried look on his face and doesn’t come to see us right away but heads to the back door. All three of us watch him go in wonder. What is he doing? He comes back once more a couple minutes later and this time stops and looks at us.

“Uh guys I don’t want you to worry but... where’s Harry?” I frown at the question

“What do you mean where’s Harry? He should be in bed no?” I start to get worried when Niall shakes his head. I turn to Liam who’s probably been up since 8 this morning.

“I haven’t seen him since the bonfire yesterday” Liam puts his hands up in defense and Zayn joins us around the counter

“Niall was his stuff still there?” I ask the worry in my voice quite evident

“Yeah and his bed was undone it’s like he slept in there last night but left early this morning”

“If all his stuff is there he was probably planning to come back. Maybe he’s on the beach taking a walk stop worrying so much Lou. He’s smart he’ll come back.” Zayn pats me on the back and goes back to watching TV on the couch. Niall shrugs and follows Zayn. I look at Liam and he is back to taking care of his pancakes. He gives me a sympathetic look and motions for me to sit back down. I sigh still worried but listen anyways. 

“Don’t worry Lou look if he hasn’t come back by dinner time we’ll go out to look for him alright?” I nod but still don’t answer back.

“Guys breakfast is ready!” Liam calls them and they both run from the couch to sit at the counter and start eating their pancakes with pleasure. 

I eat a bit but I’m not very hungry anymore, glancing at the back door to the beach every couple minutes expecting him to pop out at any seconds. I look back down at my half eaten plate and start eating without much enthusiasm. Suddenly I hear the back door open and I look up to see Harry come in looking more tired than ever and I jump out of my seat and without quite thinking run up to hug him. He's frozen and doesn’t hug back and when I realize what I did it’s too late and I take a step back, eyes huge. His face looks scared and I bite my lip feeling bad. Great job Lou you scared him, say something it’s already very awkward. 

“Uhm where were you?” I ask my voice cracking a bit but I wait for his answer and the other three boys come closer to me.

“I just went out to take a walk on the beach” He says like it’s no big deal and I suddenly feel anger rushing through me. 

“Well why didn’t you leave a note?” Trying to hide the anger in my voice but failing miserably

“I didn't really think, thought I’d be back earlier.” He just shrugs and I suddenly wonder what time he left at

“When did you leave?” He shrugs again like he doesn’t know but I can see he is lying; the bags under his eyes giving me an impression that he didn’t sleep much last night. 

“Well Harry just next time if you do leave like that, leave a note or something so we won’t worry about you alright?” Liam says in a calm and soothing voice and I can only nod in agreement at what he says. 

“Fine” Harry just says. An awkward silence fills the room and Zayn suddenly clears his throat.

“Uhm well boys it seems there might be a storm today how about we stay in and watch some movies?” Niall Liam and I all nod in agreement and we look at Harry expectantly waiting for his answer and he realizes we’re waiting for his opinion. He seems shock and stutters a bit.

“Oh uh s-sure?” I give him a smile but he doesn't smile back, just follows us to the living room where I already hear Niall and Zayn arguing about which movie to pick.


	13. Chapter 12

Harry’s P.O.V

To say I was surprised when I got ambushed when I got back to the house is an understatement. Even more when I felt someone hug me and realized it was Louis. I was frozen into place. He was hugging me. What am I supposed to do? He felt my frozen body and quickly stepped back, realizing what he’d done. The other boys came also and I was shocked that they were worried so much. I wasn’t even gone for 12 hours; I spent the night on the beach. I sat down looking at the waves and it must have calmed me because I woke up couple hours later, sore and the thunder still ringing close by. I could tell it was morning but not quite sure what time since there was no sun, clouds everywhere. I headed in the house quickly and after I cleared up everything with the boys they suggested a movie day. They all agreed then waited to hear what I had to say and I could see they were hoping I’d stay with them this time so without thinking I agreed and followed behind Zayn and Niall before Louis could try and talk to me.

They finally agree to have a Harry Potter marathon trying to ask for my opinion but to be honest I don't really care so we install ourselves on the sofas. Liam is on one side with Louis in the middle and me to his right while Zayn and Niall are sitting on the floor together. It starts to feel like old times but I try not to think about it too much and just concentrate on the movie so I can forget about things for a while. I could feel Louis giving me glances from time to time but I try to ignore them as best as I can. By the second movie, he starts scooting closer to me and I begin to feel uncomfortable.

“Uh I’m j-just gonna get something to d-drink” I stutter real quickly before getting up and heading to the kitchen in a hurry. I got up too fast I think because I’m starting to get dizzy. It’s probably going to leave in a couple minutes I tell myself but it doesn’t and I feel my vision getting a bit blurry. I try to walk but I have to hold on to the counter. Everything around me is spinning and my legs give up on me.

“Harry?!” Louis yells and it is the last thing I hear before I go into darkness.

Ouch why does my head hurt? I feel exhausted and I hear voices around me.

“We still don’t know why he fainted! Maybe we should bring him to a doctor?!” I think that voice belongs to Louis?

“Lou calm down it’s probably just hunger, he slept through lunch and dinner yesterday and didn’t eat breakfast this morning he’ll be fine stop worrying so much.” Liam says back to him and Louis sighs. I finally am able to open my eyes and I look to see where I am. They must have brought me to the couch because I am pretty sure I was by the kitchen when I passed out. Louis notices I am awake and comes closer to me.

“Hey Haz, you alright? Gave us quite a scare” He says in a calm voice and I just nod. He called me Haz. I’ve missed that but I don’t say anything.

“Do you want to eat something? We think that’s why you fainted, want maybe some painkillers too? You hit your head pretty hard.” Again I just nod at both and he gets up and brings me back some water and two painkillers that I gladly take. Liam looks down at me with worry also and I give him a half-hearted smile and he shakes his head. He takes off to the kitchen and I hear some plates moving around, probably making me some food. I lie back on the sofa and close my eyes.

“Liam can you make me some food too?” I hear Niall ask

“That’s for Harry and plus you ate a bag of popcorn half an hour ago!”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t be hungry again!” Liam just sighs and I almost laugh. I smell what seems to be chicken and my stomach growls. I get up slowly and head to the counter where I go sit on a stool. As Niall walks back to the living room Liam just silently stares at me, like he's trying to figure me out. He seems to have something on his mind and doesn't quite know how to say it. "Liam if there's something you want to say just spit it out" I finally tell him, quite annoyed with the looks he's giving me. "Okay fine, when's the last time you ate Harry?" Okay I wasn't expecting that one and I just shrug not meeting his eyes because to be honest I really don't remember the last time I ate. Liam sets down a plate of food in front of me and when I look back up at him he has a hard look on his face.

“Eat.” he orders and I don’t argue. I take small bites and when I am halfway done what is on my plate he seems finally satisfied. 

“Hey Harry” I turn around and notice Niall standing there, he seems nervous to ask me something. I nod for him to continue and look back at my food.

“Uhm I was wondering are you still going to come back and watch the movies with us?” He bites his lips in nervousness and I hesitate. I really would prefer being alone right now. I sigh and shake my head and he seems disappointed but I just shrug to myself. He seems to understand that I want to be alone and is about to leave but Liam doesn’t let it go.

“Harry will you at least join us again tonight for a bonfire?” I shake my head again, not exactly in the mood for anything else today.

“Harry please it’s only our first day here.” I look back at him and he is pleading me with his eyes to accept and I sigh once more, rolling my eyes and nodding in agreement. Liam seems pleased enough with my answer and goes back to the living room with the other boys. Niall looks back at me one last time and follows Liam. I don’t finish my plate not really hungry anymore and look around to see if there’s anyone looking before dumping the rest of my plate in the garbage. I grab a glass of water and head upstairs to my room. I fall into an uneasy sleep for about four hours before someone comes to wake me up again for the bonfire. I get up and change since I have been in the same clothes for a while now. I walk downstairs slowly and take the same spot as last night around the fire. Liam starts to sing “Fireproof” with Niall on guitar but I still don’t sing. I just don’t want to anymore. It’s like when I lost Louis, I lost my passion. The boys notice and they try many different songs but I don’t say a word.  
Louis gives me sad looks from time to time but I ignore them. I just can’t sing again. After the fire is done we all head back upstairs in our rooms and when I close the door to mine, I stare at the bed. I am exhausted but almost afraid to go sleep in it after the nightmare yesterday. Maybe there are some sleeping pills in the loo? I go check every cupboard and finally find a small bottle. They seem to be strong enough. I take two with some water and my eyes suddenly get heavy and I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. 

Couple hours later I wake again in the middle of the night, screaming and panting, my face wet with tears and I get so angry. Why can’t I get just one night of sleep it’s unfair! I decide to go take a shower and after I am done I go on the beach again, watch the waves hit the shore but this time I return close after the sunrise and head back into my room so no one realizes I was gone.


	14. Chapter 13

For the next week, the same routine happens every day. I’d come back from the beach early in the morning, spend the day with the guys not really talking and usually leaving around mid after-noon until one of them came to get me for the bonfire, then nightmare and beach again. Louis has tried to get closer to me but I have been sort of avoiding him. Between my two hours of sleep each night because of those nightmares and the urge of cutting I am not sure it would be healthy for me to talk to him again. I only really talk when I am being spoken to. I'm way too tired to really pay attention to their conversations most of the time or even care.

Tonight though there's a thunderstorm and it is pouring outside. In the middle of our bonfire it starts raining a lot so we head inside earlier than usual. I hope the rain will stop by the time I would leave for the beach like I do each night. I fall asleep like usual and for once I am having a good dream. In the beginning it was okay but then it ends up like the other ones but honestly I am not sure if it is the storm outside or my lack of sleep but this dream is worst then all the other ones. I can’t seem to get out of it and I feel someone shaking and I finally open my eyes to see a pair of bright blue eyes over me, worried. My throat raw probably from screaming.

“Harry are you alright? You were screaming in your sleep.” I am about to tell him I’m fine but no words come out of my mouth, the tears start to stream down my face. They can’t seem to stop and my whole body starts shaking. I try and hold back a sob but I can't. He tries to hug me but I push him away.

“D-don’t t-touch m-m-me “I stutter and he seems hurt but he tries again and this time I don’t push him away, instead I melt into his arms. He smells so nice and I hug him back so hard I might crush him but he doesn’t complain. I can’t stop crying and he doesn’t leave, he stays with me until I am done. He brings me to lie down on the bed slowly and my head is on his chest while he is playing with my hair. I feel a bit safer like this, knowing he’s here and hearing the beating of his heart.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks softly and I shake my head. A loud boom from the thunder is heard and I sit up quickly, whimpering. There was a storm like this in my nightmare so it scares me right now.

“Shhh Harry come here it’s just a storm don’t worry you’re safe.” His soothing words calm me a bit and I slowly let him bring me down; back on his chest. I know this is wrong, I know that I shouldn’t let him stay and encourage him but I don’t have the will to tell him to leave.

“Try to sleep love; you've been exhausted all week.”

“Don’t leave me again please.” I whisper, my voice breaking

“I am never leaving you again Harry.” With those last words I fall into a dreamless sleep and the past week’s exhaustion finally catches back to me.

Louis’ P.O.V

When I finally feel that he’s fallen asleep I relax and I also let sleep bring me. I wake up and the sun is up and I look down and Harry is still asleep on my chest. I smile a bit; I have missed him so much. I bring my hand to his curls and gently play with them, careful not to wake him up. He finally looks so peaceful; I don't want to disturb that. I was so scared last night when I heard him. I couldn't sleep so I was about to go downstairs maybe watch some television when I heard his piercing scream from his room. I ran there and when I saw him, still sleeping curled up in a ball, crying and screaming; my heart completely shattered. I had to wake him up. He seemed so afraid, lost and broken when I woke him. At first he seemed to hesitate for me to touch him but I didn’t give up. This time he won’t run away and I was right because a second later he was crying, clinging to my shirt and hugging me so hard I couldn’t breathe but I did not complain. I missed him too much.

I look back down at him sleeping and sigh. He’ll probably regret this when he wakes up and he’ll hate me again and go back to ignoring me. We need to talk though. I need him to talk to me. I feel him move under me and I freeze, waiting for his reaction when he remembers that I'm here. He rubs his eyes then frown and looks at me and blinks like finally realizing I am here. I don’t move; scared to say or do anything that will trigger him. He doesn’t say anything either and we stare at each other for what seems like a couple minutes. I want to break the silence but I'm afraid he's going to yell at me to get out of his room. His eyes suddenly water and he blinks trying to stop the tears from falling but one falls out of his right eye onto his cheek. I take my finger and wipe the tear away, giving him a small smile.

“You didn’t leave me.” His voice cracks like afraid of what I’ll say next and the look he’s giving me breaks my heart knowing I am responsible for this.


	15. Chapter 14

Harry’s P.O.V

After that nightmare I am actually able to sleep well, no dreams damn this feels so good. My pillow feels weird though… and it’s breathing! Suddenly everything from last night comes back and I remember. Louis coming in my room, hugging me promising me he’ll stay then me falling asleep to the beating of his heart. He kept his promise, he stayed I sort of find it quite hard to believe. I hesitate, should I move? He’s awake I know that he’s playing with my hair. I slowly turn my head to stare at him and he freezes. He seems afraid… of me? Or maybe it’s how I will react? I have been ignoring him all week but that is because I didn’t want to break down in tears like I have been wanting to do every time I look at those bright blue eyes. We stare at each other for a while, neither daring to move or say anything. I know I should be the one breaking the silence but I can’t get myself to do it yet. What if he leaves me again? Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes but then again I am the one who pushes him away. Am I doing the right thing?

Maybe I should try and let him in again but it seems like the impossible thing to do. I am so scared of being hurt again, what if I make the wrong decision again? All these thoughts and questions spinning in my head and I don’t realize I am about to cry. I try and blink fast so no tears will fall but it’s no use and one falls on my cheek. Louis takes his finger and wipes it away, smiling lightly at me. I finally find my voice.

“You didn’t leave me.” I eventually manage to say and his eyes are still on mine, he seems in deep thought.

“I promise you I will never leave you.” He says his voice full of certainty and I shuffle uncomfortably.

“Promises are meant to be broken Lou...” I remind him once more

“Why do you always say that Haz?” Remembering I’ve told him the exact words on the beach seven days ago.

“I don’t know… I just… you can’t promise something you don’t know.” I look down and he takes my chin to bring my eyes up so I can look at him.

“I know this.” He tells me without blinking and I know he means it, but that doesn’t mean he can know what is going to happen.

“You also promised you’d never hurt me Lou… what happened to that huh?” I answer back and I see the memories flash in his eyes.

FLASHBACK

“Lou where are you bringing me and why am I blindfolded?” I laugh as he takes my hand and guides me to God knows where.

“Because it’s a surprise Haz so hush and no peeking!” I giggle like a little schoolgirl in love but try to make it as quiet as I can but I know he heard me. Even under my blindfold I feel him smirk but he doesn’t comment and I roll my eyes.

“Did you roll your eyes at me Harry Styles?”

“Louis, I am blindfolded how the fuck would you know that?” We stop suddenly from walking and he comes close to my ear and whispers to me.

“I just know you” I shiver at the sound of his voice and his hot breath on my neck.

“Louis are we almost there?” I whine

“Patience Harold, almost there” I pout but let him lead me. His hand feels warm in mine and I am getting curious as to where he’s bringing me.

“Alright we’re here; you can take off your blindfold!” Finally! I take it off and I am awe struck to what is in front of me. Under a big oak tree in a clearing there is a blanket laid out and a picnic basket. He brought me to a picnic! I look at him and smile brightly and he offers me his hand again and I take it. We go and sit down on the blanket and we eat and talk and laugh. This is just perfect really; no one is even close around so we don’t get bothered.

“Lou this is amazing, how did you even find this place?”

“My cousin actually talked to me about it” He smiles like he’s proud of it and I shyly smile back, the butterflies in my stomach appearing again. I get nervous suddenly.

“Lou… what is this today… like why did you bring me here?” I ask him and he seems to hear the nervousness in my voice.

“Like is this a date? Is that what you’re asking me?” I nod shyly and feel myself blushing. He smiles softly at me.

“Well Harry yes I think this is a date. Our first date.” He winks at me and I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. He admitted it, he said this was a date I cannot be happier right now. I look back up at him and his face has gone all serious now. One minute he’s all happy and flirty and the next he’s looking at me with a serious look.

“Haz? You know you’re my best friend right?” I nod, not too sure where this is going.

“You know I would never do anything to hurt you right? Never intentionally.” He continues, his blue eyes never leaving mine.

“Yeah I know that Lou, are you alright?” I ask him getting worried. He seems nervous right now.

“Harry I… I love you. I’m in love with you” He says and I stare at him in shock. My heart just did a little flip in my chest and I am not sure if I heard him right. He’s waiting for my reaction but I am frozen.

“You-you love me?” I croak and he nods. “Lou I- I love you too. I do I love you Louis Tomlinson” I say the second part with more confidence, my voice louder and he smiles brightly at me. I lunge into his arms to hug him and he hugs me back. He kisses my hair and I stay lied down on his chest for a while. Might be minutes or even hours I do not know. Louis loves me back. He does he really does and It seems too good to be true. 

“Haz?” He asks and I look up at him

“I promise you, I will never hurt you. Never.” For a second I get scared and I feel like he knows about my depression and my wrist but then I realize he couldn’t, I relax back against him.

“Thank you Lou.” I whisper and he hugs me tighter.

END OF FLASHBACK

“You know I meant it that day in the clearing, I meant every word of it.” He’s crying too now and I look at him and see recognition flash in his eyes as he remembers that first day in the clearing when he told me he loved me.

“That contract proves me the exact opposite Louis” I say shaking my head and he comes closer to me and I wince a bit from his closeness.

“When are you going to open your ears and listen to me when I say that contract meant nothing to me after a while? I completely forgot about it. I was so happy and in love with you too why don’t you believe me?” He’s on the verge of tears again and now I feel like crying. Actually I take that back I am crying. I choke on some sobs and I can’t answer him I just shake my head and keep crying. I can’t seem to stop and he brings me to him and hugs me. I bury my face on his shoulder and let it all out.

His shirt is going to be all wet but I don’t think he cares right now. Louis is holding me and holding me tight. This is where I belong. So why does it hurt so much?


	16. Chapter 15

Louis’ P.O.V

I am both afraid and relieved at the same time right now. I am happy he’s in my arms again and he still loves me but I am scared how he’s going to take all of this when he is done crying. I just don’t know anymore, I used to be able to tell what he’s going to do next but now I don’t know anymore. Is he going to throw a fit at me or maybe just go back to ignoring me? I need to talk to him. Like a real talk, it’ll take all day if we have to. I never realized how much he had no self confidence. He always put out this confident and flirty face to people. I realize now that it was all fake. I want to see the real Harry. It might be broken and sad but he is the one I fell in love with. Whatever face is his real one, I will still love him. He needs to understand that. 

“Harry.” I whisper to him, I think he is done crying now but he doesn’t let me go

“Harry I think we need to talk.” He still doesn’t react but I know he’s listening to me.

“Harry please don’t ignore me again, this whole week has been already painful enough” I admit with a small sigh and I still get no reaction.

“Hazza?” I try using his old nickname and that gets him to react. He looks up at me and I see so much pain in those green orbs I feel like crying again but I need to be strong for him.

“Haz please talk to me. Will you do that please? Tell me what’s wrong.” I plead, I just need something. He gets up and I expect him to leave the room but instead he just sits up beside me and stares back at me.

“What’s wrong? Really Lou you can’t figure that one out already?” He has a point

“Okay I admit, it was a stupid question I am sorry. Got you to talk though didn’t I?” I smirk at him and I get half a smile from him but it goes away quickly. Better than nothing.

“Louis there’s nothing to say.”

“Yes there is Haz, you know it’s true we’re not leaving this room until we talk.”

“Well we’re talking now aren’t we?” I glare at him and he rolls his eyes.

“Seriously Lou, I think I’ve said everything I had to say.” He seems unsure and hesitates before saying that and he looks down at his feet.

“You’re biting your cheek.” I point out

“What?” He looks back up at me, confused.

“Whenever you won’t look at me and you bite your cheek I know you’re lying.” He stares back at me eyes wide and with a frown.

“How do you know that?” He questions and now it’s my turn to roll my eyes.

“Haz, we have been best friends for a while, I know you like the back of my hand.” His eyes harden when I say the last part.

“No you don’t, no one does.” My face must have shown my surprise from his burst of anger and he seems to calm himself down.

“No one knows me.” He repeats like saying it to himself more than to me. He starts playing with his left arm and doesn’t seem to notice, like it’s a habit. I’ve often seen him do that, like scratching it or maybe pinching it I’m not sure. He seems out of it now.

“Harry?” I try to bring him back to reality. I grab his arm that he is basically now scratching a lot and he winces when I touch it and takes his arm away. I frown. He’s never really winced that much at my touch, what’s wrong with that arm? My eyes suddenly go wide. No. That’s not possible.

FLASHBACK

“Haz it’s so hot outside what are you doing in a long sleeve?” I laugh at my silly curly boy and he just smiles nervously and shakes his head.

**********************************************************************

“Lou I don’t want to go swimming” Harry complains as I drag him to the pool in our hotel.

“C'mon don’t worry we won’t get caught.”

“But it’s cold I want to go back to the hotel room.” He pulls back and when I see his eye I see nervousness and... is that fear? I sigh but give in.

“Alright fine; hotel room.” I say disappointed and he just gives me a sympathetic smile before heading back inside.

****************************************************************

“I like your bracelets Harry” A little 12 year old girl smiles at him while pointing at both his wrists. I see him freeze but then thanks her quietly making her blush. While she turns around I see his face fall but when he sees that I am looking manages a quick smile before turning back to the fans.

END OF FLASHBACK

I stare at him in horror. Hoping no praying I am wrong. I have to be. There is no way but then again... It would explain so much. I grab his arm and lift up his sleeve. He pulls away quickly but he is too late. I got time to see it. Cuts, scars all over his forearm, some look older than others. He brings his arm to his chest like as protection and sees my face, the look I must be giving him but I am too much in shock. How did I never see it? How could he do that to himself? How could he do this to his beautiful body? Was hurting himself really the last resort? I don’t understand and I still don’t move or say anything and we are both staring at each other, neither breaking the silence. Finally as he sees I am not reacting tears start to stream down his cheeks.

“You’re not going to say anything?” He says with a shaky voice and I still don’t answer.

“You have nothing to say anymore? I thought you wanted to talk Louis huh?” His eyes just seem so sad but my body can’t seem to process normally anymore. Finally he gets up the bed and goes to leave when he turns back at the door frame. 

“Sorry to be such a disappointment Lou.” He says his voice roach and shaking and with one last look back runs down the stairs and I am guessing to; the beach.


	17. Chapter 16

Harry’s P.O.V

He saw them, my scars. He figured it out. The one thing I have been hiding from everyone for months now and he knows. The saddest part is he didn’t say anything. He was just sitting there, staring at me like I am a freak. I saw it in his eyes; panic, confusion and what I feared the most: judgement. I felt it in his eyes, he was judging me, and so I did the first thing that came to mind: I ran. I don’t know how long I’ve been running but I finally stop after what seems like hours and I am trying to catch my breath. I sit down on the sand and the sun is still up but it seems like everything that just happened finally comes rushing and I am sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t know if I’ll be able to face him again or if he’ll ever want to look at me in the eyes. Why am I such a wimp? I always run away I can never seem to face him, probably because I am just a coward. I sit here for hours, contemplating the horizon; it’s so beautiful I just wish I could lose myself into it.

The sun is setting now, I must have been here a while and I finally look around. I frown, I don’t see the beach house at all and I am not sure anymore which way I came from. Where am I?

Louis P.O.V

After Harry left I didn’t know what to do. I was still frozen into place. I just kept repeating the same question over and over again in my head. Why? It seems to be the only thing I can think of right now. Why has he never told me? Why did he feel that way? Why? Why? Why? My head was spinning and I am crying again. Harry will come back right? He probably will later today and I will finally be able to explain myself and ask him everything I need to know. I lay back in his bed, inhaling his scent. Hopefully he’ll come back and see me here and we’ll be able to talk, away from the others. But also I don’t think I have the strength to move. I cry myself to sleep after a couple minutes.

I wake up and I look around sadly to find the room still empty, nothing has moved since this morning and no one seems to have come back. I don't even know how long I've been asleep. I sigh and look at the time. 4:34. Wow I have hard time believing the lads let me sleep that late. I groan and get up and head downstairs. Hopefully Harry will be there, just sitting quietly on the couch like every other day. But when I come downstairs I find the living room and the kitchen empty. Where is everyone? I hear Niall’s laugh coming from outside and I see out the back door Niall Liam and Zayn playing football together on the beach. I don’t see Harry with them though. I go outside and walk to them and Niall waves when he sees me.

“Finally he awakes!” He laughs and the others stop the game and come around smiling too.

“Yeah I am surprised you guys let me sleep all day.” I admit and Liam shrugs

“We’re on vacation anyways and I am guessing you were with Harry.” Liam winks at me

“Speaking of the devil, where is Harry?” I ask and they all frown

“We assumed you two we’re together since your bedroom door was open and empty this morning...” Zayn says

“Yeah but we kind of uhhm... got into a fight this morning and he ran off. I was hoping he’d be back by now. You three haven’t seen him?” I ask and all three shake their heads. Uh oh. I have a bad feeling about this, something doesn’t feel right. Liam must have seen my worried face because he hurries at my side and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey don’t worry too much, he’s probably on the beach again and didn’t see the time pass. I bet you he’ll come in an hour top laughing because he fell asleep on the beach again.” Liam tries to reassure me and I give him a small smile. We all decide to head back inside, hearing thunder in the back. The sun is now gone and it seems like another storm is heading our way. Can we never get a break?

An hour passes and Harry is still not back. It is 6 and now I am worried.

“Alright I’m going out there I have to go find him.” I say to them and head out to the back door. The second my foot passes that door, lightning hits the sky and thunder comes back also. It decides to rain too and it’s completely pouring outside. I feel a pair of hands pulling me back inside.

“Louis you can’t go out there look outside it’s too dangerous.” Zayn tells me and Liam and Niall come around and nod in agreement.

“But Harry is out there we can’t just leave him there! What if he’s stuck in the storm too” I argue and we hear the wind rustling so loudly behind me

“Then Harry will be smart and find a house nearby to take shelter, look we’ll go out looking for him when the storm calms down but for now we can’t. Alright?” Liam asks and I sigh in defeat and nod. I look back out in the distance and I have to admit it is pretty scary out.

Oh Harry I hope you’re alright. Please come back.


	18. Chapter 17

Harry's P.O.V

I have no idea where I am. Am I even going in the right direction? Ha there's only one direction... wow that's so lame I really am so bored I'm making jokes with myself. I look back at the sea and the dark clouds seem to be getting closer. I hear thunder and see lightning far and I'm a bit scared but right now I just need to find my way back to the house. All alone now and lost I do wish the boys were here with me. It starts raining a lot, pouring really and I walk faster but I can't see where I am going. I think there is a house in front of me and I don't hesitate I walk up the steps and knock at the door. Someone opens the door and lets me inside and right when I get in I collapse and everything goes dark.

I wake up and groan. Ouch my head hurts. I just remember collapsing after getting into the house which I am hoping was mine and the lads' but it doesn't smell familiar. I open my eyes and find myself lying on a couch, a glass of water beside me and I take it and drink it with pleasure. The cold water feels good down my throat and I look around to see who's house did I knock at. I see an old man, about 60 years old in the kitchen making what seems like eggs and my stomach growls. I am starving, I get up and he sees me approach.

"Ah you're finally awake, are you alright son?" He seems to have what seems like an American Texas accent. What?

"I am thank you sir you basically saved me. My name's Harry Styles." I hold out my hand and he shakes it.

"Johnson's the name. So what were you doing out in such a bad weather?"

"I am at a beach house with my friends close by and I kind of got lost." I admit nervously fixing my curls.

"Beach house huh? The closest one is maybe about three miles from here."

"That's probably the one then sir."

"You were going the right way you probably just got caught in the storm. By the way that is a damn nice beach house, you and your friends rich?" I smile a bit at his question, he clearly has no idea who I am and it works for me.

"Yeah I guess you could say that" I smile a bit replying and he just shrugs.  
"Alright well I should get going thank you for all your help sir Johnson" I say to him and I'm about to leave when he stops me

"Hey son why don't you stay a bit maybe the night you did hit your head pretty hard I don't feel comfortable letting you go walk and all. At least eat a bit. I am making some eggs and you can't really walk with an empty stomach what do you say?" He seems nice enough so I accept and he tells me about his life throughout the meal. Turns out his wife died a couple years ago so he moved here to retire and leave all the bad memories behind. I finally make my way to leave and thank him again. I don't really want to stay the night in a stranger's house even though he seems nice enough.

I walk for about half an hour and it is now dark out, it has stopped raining but it is still quite cloudy so I still can't see the stars. There is still a strong wind out but nothing else. At last I see the house and a fire outside. Seems like the boys are making another bonfire but I don't hear them singing, yelling actually. I think it's Louis and Liam, what is going on? I get closer but they still don't notice me.

"Alright Liam it's been long enough I have to go look for him now!" Louis is saying and he seems pretty angry.

"Lou it's too dark out we'll all go in the morning, you're not the only one worried about him but I am also thinking of us all." Are they talking about me? I haven't really thought about it if they were worried or not... I am guessing Louis wants to go look for me but Liam is saying they should wait until morning. Wait that means Louis still cares? He still wants to see me? My heart gets filled with a bit of hope and I smile a bit.

"Liam the storm is now done you said I had to wait until then I am going now he's been gone all day something could have happened!" Louis is really angry and I think now is time that I make myself visible.

"Hey guys..." I say getting up the stairs and they all turn around

"Harry!" Niall exclaims and smiles as he sees I am okay

"Harry?" Louis looks at me and I nod and he runs to me and hugs me tightly. This time though I hug back, maybe there is hope?

"Where were you I was so worried?" He exclaims when I let go

"Well I kind of got lost on the beach and caught in the storm so I stopped at some nice old guy's house couple miles down and he showed me the way back here." I admit

"HA! Louis I told you!" Liam comes behind Louis

"Shut up Payne" Louis tells him and we all laugh.

We go sit around the fire and make marshmallows. Niall forgot his for a bit and when he took it back it was completely on fire and he screamed and threw it on the beach. We laugh at him while he pouts and Zayn gives him his to make him smile again. I look at Louis and he sends me a small smile and also mouths a later to me. I nod slowly but I am exhausted so tonight I am only going to sleep. We'll see what happens tomorrow.


	19. Chapter 18

Harry's P.O.V

FLASHBACK

"So Louis, what are we?" I ask him nervously. It has been bugging me for the past two weeks now, since our first date when we admitted our love for each other. We hadn't been able to talk about it again and Louis was just sitting on the couch watching television, not really paying much attention to it I could see it in his eyes.

"What do you mean Harry?" He looks up at me all innocently

"Louis don't play dumb with me you know exactly what I'm talking about. Every time I try to mention it you either leave the room quickly or change subject. Do you regret what happened or are you ashamed?" I am getting really frustrated at this point I don't understand him anymore. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs.

"Harry I don't know what to tell you..."

"Damn it Louis you can't just tell me you love me then avoid the question forever!" My eyes were tearing up a bit but I blink them away to make sure he doesn't notice. He gets up and comes up in front of me. His eyes I don't know they look to be in pain, like it's going to hurt him what he's going to say next.

"Harry wh-what do you want us to be?" I frown and search his eyes for whatever it was I saw a couple seconds ago but it seems to be gone.

"I-I wanna be more then friends" I say slightly stuttering but more out of nervousness then hesitation. Before he can answer I crash my lips to his. His soft plump lips answer and move against mine. He tastes like a mix of cinnamon and is it mint? I just know he tastes beautiful and I never want to let go. My hands are cupping his face and he responses by putting his hands around my waist and bringing me closer. We finally part, taking our breaths and foreheads touching. He smiles lightly and chuckles.

"I take that as a yes?" I ask smirking from how hot this kiss was.

"What do you think?" He smirks too then grabs me closer and kisses me again.

END OF FLASHBACK

I wake up, tears streaming down my face and I am so angry I throw my pillow at the wall. Why? Why must I dream of THAT? That faithful day I finally kissed him and now at last understand the look behind his eyes. It wasn't fear it was guilt. I groan but get up anyways. It is 5:30 am. Not bad, I actually got a decent amount of sleep. I go downstairs and decide to go watch the sunrise. I open the back doors and sit on one of the chairs facing the beach. I feel someone come and sit beside me. I turn and Louis' there, facing the sunrise and when he feels I am staring at him he turns at me and smiles a bit. I don't smile back thinking of the dream I just had, or more like a memory and turn my head back to the sea.

"Why are you up so early?" I finally break the silence. He shrugs

"Heard you come downstairs so I figured why not spend time with you. What about you?" I don't answer right away and think of maybe some lie I could tell him but he always knows when I'm lying anyways so there's no point really.

"Nightmare" I simply say.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I look down and shrug my shoulders, not really knowing what to answer. Do I want to talk about my dreams with Louis? It might help me but he might think I am stupid. I don't know if I am ready to talk about my usual ones but tonight's was different.

"Tonight's was different than usual." I answer and he seems confused

"How different?"

"It was not the usual nightmare I have... it was a flashback." I look down as I say it

"Flashback of what?" He asks curiously and it takes me a couple minutes to answer

"It was our first kiss..." I look back up and bite my bottom lip, waiting for his reaction and it is not what I expect. I sort of expected him to make it awkward and turn away but instead he just stares back at me and smirks.

"You had guts that day; I never thought you would kiss me. You were wearing that cute purple Jack Willis sweater with some black skinny jeans and you just looked so tired but still you managed to look hot." I blush a bit at his comment and a small smile tugs the corner of my lips as I remember how I had not slept that night before because I was so nervous.

"I did spend the whole night rehearsing what I was gonna say to you" I admit and he laughs. It feels nice to hear his laugh again.

"I could say the same to you about your smile." He smirks looking back at me and I blush.

"I said that out loud didn't I?" He nods still smiling and I put my hand to my forehead, my cheeks still burning hot.

"Don't worry its cute when you do that" He assures me still smiling and we laugh. We talk for a while and finally feels like old times.

Liam's P.O.V

Niall, Zayn and I observe them laughing outside and smile. Things seem to be getting better, maybe we will get Harry back. He just needs to sing now, we need to somehow make him sing.

"They seem to be getting along again, Harry is smiling." Niall notices and all three of us nod in agreement.

"Yeah but all he needs now is to sing, those bonfires every night don't help at all." Zayn says and suddenly, a smile comes on my face as a plan starts to form itself in my head.

"Liam, why are you smiling like that? It's kind of creeping me out." Niall frowns

"Boys, plan get Harry to sing again is about to start." I smile and they both frown but start to smirk as I explain to them my plan to get our Harry back.


	20. Chapter 19

Niall's P.O.V

Liam's plan... it's good I am just not exactly sure if it is going to work. Harry is quite stubborn; if he's made up his mind for something he doesn't change it. But I do believe Harry will sing again, he just needs to find the one thing that makes him happy, that really gives him the passion to keep going. That one thing is Louis. Yeah I know its cliché quoting our own song but in this case it's true. Harry's kryptonite is Louis Tomlinson and that is why he cannot sing again, he's convinced he has lost his rock. Now, all we need to do is to show him he hasn't. We need to show him that Louis still loves him, that they can be together and that Lou's love was real. That is basically Liam's plan. We make sure they spend as much time alone as they can so Louis can show Harry his true feelings.

There has to be more to it then only that, I can see Harry isn't himself anymore. No one really thinks I have noticed and I am not even sure Zayn or Liam have seen it but I have, and I think so did Louis. Something is wrong with Harry and we need to fix it soon. I know I won't be able to and if there is one person who can, it's Louis. Let's just hope Harry let's him in enough for Louis to fix his broken heart. Now, I am hungry and Liam is upstairs, I hope there is some food left in the fridge...

Harry's P.O.V

To laugh with Louis again, as if nothing had ever happened, it felt good. Maybe we could still be friends after this. Not as close as we were before but something like that maybe. He is going to go back to singing with One Direction but what about me? I have no idea where faith is going to bring me. What if I never sing again? I just can't seem to and I am not sure I want to. I also lost faith in everyone else around me. How do you heal from that? I act normal around them, as if I don't care that they were all involved but truth is it bothers me. Maybe I'll tell them one day, I get this sort of feeling of not exactly disgust but maybe disappointment or could it be bitterness? I don't show it much to them but I really am disappointed at the other boys I mean they knew how could they have done this to me, they went along with the plan? It is still unthinkable for me but I try and not to let them know that it bothers me too much.

I am still sitting on the same chair I came to this morning and Louis is inside. I think he went to help Liam with something. He left an hour ago and I am starting to get hungry. Maybe I could cook something for the boys? Just like old times. What is something they all really like for breakfast? I know. I hurry inside and head to the kitchen when I see Niall looking in the fridge in search for food. I chuckle to myself and push him aside playfully and take everything out from the fridge that I need. He looks at me questioningly but then realizes what I am about to do.

"Chocolate chip waffles?" He asks his eyes big and I smile and nod. He jumps in joy and goes to sit on a stool to watch me cook.

"Harry you have no idea how much I have missed your cooking." I smile at him

"I am sure Zayn or Liam did it while I was gone." His eyes go wide

"Liam doesn't do it right and Zayn just plains suck at cooking." Right when he said the last part Zayn enters the kitchen behind Niall and I try really hard not to laugh at his expression

"Niall! You said you loved my cooking!" Zayn slaps Niall at the back of the head and Niall gets up and starts wrestling with him. Now they're both rolling on the floor wrestling and I shake my head and get back to my cooking. At this moment Liam and Louis come downstairs and are examining what is happening at the moment.

"What the hell is going on here? Guys break it up. Niall ouch you hit me. ZAYN!" I laugh at Liam's attempt to break them up and Louis just comes closer to me.

"So what really happened here?" He questions me

"Well basically Niall insulted Zayn's cooking then Zayn slapped him at the back of the head and then all of this happened." I wince at the blow Liam just got in the stomach but roll my eyes and go back to cooking.

"Alright guys break it up!" Louis tries but nothing works so he just comes back to sit beside me while the others are STILL wrestling on the floor.

"Alright I give up on them." Louis sighs and I smirk.

"I know what to do Lou. FOOD IS READY" I yell out and they all three stop and struggle to get up and come sit down while Louis is now the one on the floor dying of laughter. I serve them their food and I hear a bunch of appreciative moans. Must be good then.

"Harry this is great will you marry me?" Zayn says his mouth still full and I snicker. Louis stops, gets up from his stool, slaps Zayn at the back of the head then goes back to sit down like nothing happened. I laugh and from the corner of my eyes I see him smirk.

"So boys, I have an idea of what we could do today." Liam finally speaks up and he looks at me and I just shrug and motion for him to continue.

"I saw a funfair close by, we should go." Immediately Louis, Niall and Zayn cheer in happiness but I stay quiet, thoughtful. A funfair? I guess I haven't been to one in a while. Last time I went to one I was with Louis... I don't know if it is a good idea or not. I could always just lose the boys in the crowd and walk around on my own. Yeah that could work I guess. I come out of my thoughts to see the boys all staring at me expectantly.

"Alright the funfair is it." They all cheer and run upstairs to get ready. Is this really a good idea?


	21. Chapter 20

The funfair. The smell in the air of cotton candy and kids running around laughing. Well kids not old enough to know who we are but we didn't take any chances, hiding our faces with our sunglasses and wearing beanies. The paparazzis could just not know where we were. It would not end well. The media thinks we are all taking a break with our families for a month. I hope Modest is updating our twitter because the fans must think we're dead. Oh dear I hadn't thought of that. I frown but shrug it off, management isn't that stupid. They're cruel, assholes and have no heart but stupid is not one of their I should say qualities. I look around and smile a bit, remembering the good times I had with Louis at the funfair. I wonder if he remembers. I believe this was our second date? Yeah but our first one as an official couple. My idea this time, I know he loves them.

FLASHBACK

"Harry is this payback for our first date? Cause I promise I will never blind you again either now that I get how annoying it is." I chuckle as I lead him to the entrance and I take the blindfold off. His eyes go so wide and he has the widest smile on his face.

"Harry! I love funfairs oh my god thank you!" He jumps in my arms to give me a hug and I laugh as I struggle not to drop him.

"C'mon let's go get tickets." I smile at him and lead him to the entrance. I of course pay for both of us and he usually would complain but he is so busy being amazed and looking around everywhere to notice. As soon as I got our tickets I feel his hand take my wrist and drag me around like a little kid.

"Ohh Harry let's go in the haunted house! No, those games right here and oh my there's a Ferris wheel!"

"Louis we can do every one of them if you want. There is no rush." I smile at him to see him decide which one he wants to do first. He finally settles for the games first where you can win a prize and I try one myself. These are pretty easy. I win a teddy bear so I decide to give it to Louis as a reminder of our date.

"Hey Lou, I won this for you" His eyes light up and he thanks me by kissing me on the cheek which results in me blushing.

"C'mon Curly!" Louis takes my hand again as he drags me to another game.

END OF FLASHBACK

I smile sadly, thinking back of the good times we had together. That day was one of my favorites. I look around to see Louis staring at me, like remembering the same thing that I am. I look away quickly not wanting to meet his eyes and continue to look around, pretending to pay attention to the games around me.

Louis P.O.V

I see him. Right when we get into the funfair his eyes, looking around like searching for something then at one point they just stop and he seems to blank out. Is he having another flashback? I remember when we came here... our second date was it? I believe so. It was the most wonderful day I had ever had. He was so cute when he surprised me by bringing me to one and he let me drag him everywhere all day. He never complained just smiled whenever I was happy or excited about something. He even won me a cute teddy bear that is now still sitting in my room. He finally notices that I am staring at him and he looks away, either embarrassed or awkward. There are fireworks tonight maybe I should try doing something for him...?

"Hey guys how about we separate and we meet back here in a couple hours right before the fireworks?" Liam suggests and we all agree it would be best. I notice Harry wander on his own and I decide against following him. He seems to wanna be alone. I will do something tonight but for now let's not anger him in public. Niall and Zayn head off somewhere else and it's only Liam and I left. I start walking and Liam follows closely behind and attempts to talk to me.

"So Louis, the boys and I have a plan, we need to get Harry to sing again." I nod motioning for him to continue

"We were thinking actually that you seem to be the only one who can get Harry to sing again so we are going to try and leave you alone as much as we can but you need to do something. Provoke him I don't know we don't have much time left here." I snicker at his choice of words

"Provoke him? What do you want me to do punch him in the face? That will provoke him." Liam rolls his eyes at me

"You know what I mean just do something already; he needs to know you still want him. Telling him just like that is not going to do anything he has trust issues now because of us." I sigh but I can only agree with Liam's statement.

"I was thinking of doing something tonight, during the fireworks... so could you guys I don't know leave us alone during them?"

"The fireworks! Perfect, Harry loves fireworks it will be so romantic. Good thinking Lou."

"Yeah yeah yeah just make sure you and the boys are gone. And by the way you are horrible at making plans, please never be a super villain." Liam sticks his tongue at me and I smirk.


	22. Chapter 21

Louis' P.O.V

Finally it is night time and the fireworks are about to start. Still no sign of Harry though did he get lost somewhere? I am nervous now what if he doesn't show up? I won't be able to kiss him tonight and this whole plan will be ruined. I sound like a thirteen year old girl going on her first date oh lord.

"Louis don't worry he's probably around trying to find us." Zayn tries to assure me. Yeah right. Suddenly I see a head of brown curls coming our way and I sigh in relief. Zayn pats me on the shoulder with a look like "i told you so" and I roll my eyes at him.

"There you are Harry. Where have you been all day?" Zayn asks him casually as he finally reaches us. He shrugs.

"Walked around really, almost got recognized by one girl and jumped by her mum. I ran for my life." I laugh and he smirks but I can see in his face he is not joking.

"Wait it's the mum that almost jumped you?" He nods and his eyes go wide like if he was scared

"I didn't grab no shoes or nothing Jesus I ran for my life" Niall says imitating Sweet Brown's voice and we all can't stop laughing now.

"Alright let's go everyone, fireworks are about to start." Liam says and we all head closer to the Ferris wheel since they were being thrown right behind it. Zayn walks in front followed by Niall and Liam with me walking beside Harry behind them. I feel his hand brush mine sometimes and I almost grab it but I have to go slowly. Not yet.

We lean against the fence and the other three start chatting. I look at Harry and he is staring at the stars with a small smile on his face. I remember how he's always liked the night sky.

FLASHBACK

"Harry why are we at a park it's nearly midnight?" I'm quite tired and I don't know why he brought me here. Suddenly he lets go of my hand and I see him walk towards a small hill and lies down on the grass. I quietly follow him and lies down beside him, taking his warm hand in mine. I turn to look at him and he is staring up at the cloudless sky with a small, peaceful smile on his face.

"Don't you finally feel at peace Lou? The silence around us and the millions of beautiful stars up there?" I frown a bit and suddenly I am wide awake but I have to admit he is right.

"This does feel nice. I never took you for the sentimental star lover kind of guy though." He shrugs

"I've always loved the stars."

END OF FLASHBACK

I smile at the memory, I remember cuddling up to him right after that and just staying there, lying with him for a couple hours until we finally decided to go back home. The fireworks finally start and the show it's beautiful. There are so many colors and they lighten up the sky. From the corner of my eyes I see Liam, Niall and Zayn quietly escape and walk away while Harry is too busy watching the show. I look back at him once more and he seems genuinely pleased. The fireworks seem to have cheered him up and he is looking up at them with a smile on his face. He seems to feel me staring and looks back at me. I smile softly at him and he smiles back. He seems to finally take notice that we are alone.

"Where are the guys?" He asks me and I pretend I don't know and continue to watch the fireworks lighten up the sky. I gain up my courage and decide to finally go for it.

"Harry?" He looks back at me questioningly, waiting for me to speak.

"I miss you" Those three words seem to cause something in him cause I see him flinch a bit right there but I keep going.

"I miss us Harry I want to go back the way we were, we were happy. You were happy I meant every word I said. All those kisses we had, nights we spent together just cuddling and sleeping together and when I would comfort you if you had a nightmare or you would reassure me during thunderstorms. I remember all of that and I have loved every single moment of it. I want it back I want us back. Please Harry you have to trust me on this, I love you so much." By now my eyes are tearing up and so are his. He seems speechless, probably not expecting a declaration of my love but it had to be said.

"L-Lou I-I don't know what to say..."

"Then don't say anything" I am going to regret this so badly.

"W-wh" Before he could finish I grab his face and press my lips to his. He is frozen at first and doesn't react, his lips still as soft as I remember but after a little bit I finally feel him melt into it and kiss back. I smile in the kiss at the fact that he is kissing back. Our lips move in sync for a minute and he still smells familiar of peppermint. It had been so long I have missed his smell and the taste of his lips. Suddenly I feel his body stiffen like he has finally realized what he is doing and he breaks the kiss, his cheeks wet from tears. I stare into his jade green eyes and see an emotion I did not expect after this kiss. Is that... fear?


	23. Chapter 22

Harry's P.O.V

"I miss you." Three words I did not expect to come out of Louis' mouth. Out of all the words he could have said to me he says THOSE key words? The words I am basically afraid of well those and the famous "I love you". He misses me he does and he wants me to forgive him, to forget all that happened and to be happy with him. Can I really do that? Is it that easy for some people? If it is lucky them but for me it is not working well. I am scared again. He just said also the sweetest thing to me. What am I supposed to say? I don't know what to answer him.

"L-Lou I-I don't know what to say..." I stutter

"Then don't say anything" What?

"W-wh" Before I could ask what he meant I feel a strong pair of lips on mine. My body freezes realizing its Louis. Oh I have missed the taste of his lips, they taste like home, like everything I have ever wanted and I finally melt into the kiss and kiss him back with all I have. I feel him smirk but he doesn't stop and we fight for dominance before I finally let him win. Suddenly I go stiff. What am I doing? What does this mean? Oh no. The one thing I promised myself, I wouldn't fall for it again, I just failed. I start to panic; I can't do this I am not strong enough. I have to leave I have to stop this before it goes any further. I pull away from the kiss and he looks up at me, confusion written all over his face while mine is pouring with tears and panic. I don't give him time to explain I run.

I do what I always do, I just run. I run through the whole parking lot and I don't stop. I don't stop even when I hear people calling my name or when my vision gets so blurry by my tears I don't stop. But in the end I have to stop running because I can't take it anymore and I fall down on my knees, panting and exhausted. I feel sand and not pavement as I realize I am on the beach. Somehow I always end up back on the beach. I get up and start walking along the water, engulfed by the silence of the night. What am I doing? Why did I run? He is everything I want but for some reason I can't seem to grasps the fact that he wants me too. It's like my mind is blocked and doesn't want to let that possibility be because what happens if it's all a lie again? What happens after yet another heartbreak?

Am I supposed to just move on with my life? Leave the band? I can't even bloody sing anymore. I sigh and shake my head as so many unanswered question swirls in my head, giving me a slight headache.

"Harry!" I hear him. He found me and he ran after me.

"Harry stop please!" I stop and sigh as I turn around and see him breathing hard and sweating, holding his stomach. He was never really much of a runner.

"Harry I've been trying to find you for like an hour now, damn you run fast. Why did you run?"

"I panicked Lou; I don't know what to do." My voice cracks.

"Harry it's really simple. Do you still love me? That's all I need to know. Please." He looks at me with sad and pleading eyes but he doesn't understand.

"It's not that easy Louis. If it was just a matter of if I love you or not I think by now we'd be home together and sleeping in the same bed."

"Then what is it Harry? Why can't it be that simple? Explain it to me."

"Because I am fucking scared Louis! I am scared of getting hurt again, of letting you in, being rejected, telling you all about my problems and then you leaving me alright? That's why it's not so easy. You're so perfect and amazing and you can make anyone smile. Why me? I am far from that yet you don't give up." I am practically yelling and my eyes are getting watery again but I blink the tears away.

"Because I love you Harry Styles! I want to be with you that's why I haven't given up yet!" He seems frustrated and I shake my head. Why? Why do I have to be so in love with him?

"What are you doing to me? Why can't I just stop?" I put my head between my hands and he stands there, confused.

"What are you talking about Harry?" His perfect face sets into a straight line and he is waiting for my answer, blue eyes glowing.

"AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE TO ME WHY AM I STILL SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU? WHY CAN'T I STOP? I LOVE YOU LOUIS TOMLINSON!"

I run up to him and grab him by the collar of his shirt and kiss him hard. I kiss him like never and he puts his hands around my hips. I am dominant on this one and our lips are synced and this kiss is heavy, passionate and full of lust.


	24. Chapter 23

After that kiss, we stopped at one point because we needed to breathe; we stare into each other's eyes, foreheads touching and out of breath. He takes my hand and leads me to sit down on the beach. We lie there together and my head on his chest we simply cuddle under the moonlight. Watching the waves hit the shore and listening to the sound of the wind while cuddling with Louis is simply the greatest feeling ever. I don't want to move. I hear Louis' heartbeat as my head is resting on his chest and it makes me feel alive, I like it. He kisses my head and I smile.

"Harry?" I look up at him and he has a slight frown on his face which leads me to think I am not going to like what he has to say.

"Harry I love you too, so much you have no idea. I felt so guilty for the past two weeks because I knew you were hurting because of me and honestly I deserve it I mean I never should have signed that contract. But that contract also made me realize that I am in love with you, I really am and I never want to lose you. But right now, I want to continue the conversation we started two nights ago." His blue eyes are fixed onto mine and I had a feeling this was coming. I don't answer him I simply lie back down on his chest and stare back at the water.

"Harry, please I have a right to know."

"Lou please don't ruin this right now. I just can't talk yet. I'm not ready."

"You are ready I know it, you are so strong, look at me." He takes my face between his hands and makes me look at him. I want to look away but I am completely mesmerized by his eyes. They hypnotize me and I can't bring myself to look away.

"You are so strong Harry, after everything you've been through, the hate you get every day and sometimes when fans take it too far you never stop smiling at them even if you are getting mobbed in the middle of the streets you are always so polite and you stop and take pictures with them even though you are in a hurry. You are strong I just want to know what's in your head, I want to understand everything." I look down at what he says. It's not true. Everything he says, I am not strong I am weak.

"I'm not strong." I whisper it but he heard me and before he argues again I keep talking.

"I am weak, I can't handle pain I am horrible, I am not the strong person you think I am and I wish I was but I am not. I don't think I will ever be. I don't think I can talk just yet, every time I try I-I start to stutter and words don't come out right it's like everything is in my head but it can't get out and form itself in words." I try to explain it to him because every time I try and talk about it I end up breaking into tears and I get scared.

"Harry I want you to trust me again." I frown at that.

"Louis it's not going to be that easy you know."

"I know it's not going to be overnight but I will try I hope you know and I will gain your trust back." I shake my head and get up from him. He sees me starting to head back to the house and sighs, looking back at the beach.

"Louis?" He turns back to me and I put my hand out for him to hold.

"You coming?" I give him a small smile and he gets up too fast and ends up tripping back on the sand and I try really hard not to laugh.

"Shut up." He says with a smirk as he grabs my hand.

"Whatever Louis, careful there's sand all around you might trip again." I laugh and he smacks my arm.

"Hey!" I protest still laughing.

"TAG YOU'RE IT!" He starts running off towards the house.

"HEY NO FAIR!" I yell after him and I start chasing him, I hear his laugh echoing on the beach.


	25. Chapter 24

The next morning I wake up in my bed and for once, I am in a good mood. I know it may sound strange but I don't remember the last time this happened so I decide to take advantage of it. I am the first one awake so why not make some tea and cook for the boys? As I wait for the water to start boiling I take out some eggs and bacon. Niall takes them scrambled that's really what I need to remember or it won't go well for me. They all start getting up one by one probably smelling the food. When it's almost all ready the only one still sleeping is Louis so I decide to go wake him. I walk up to his room and open the door. He looks so adorable while he's sleeping. His mouth is slightly open and there is a small snore now and then. I chuckle and I am about to wake him when he starts moaning in his sleep. I freeze and smirk. What is Louis dreaming about?

"Harry" He says my name out loud and my eyes go wide. I am still frozen into place not sure if I should wake him up yet.

"Mmm Harry" Oh no. I close my eyes for a second then reluctantly look down at his crotch to confirm my thoughts. Yup. Louis is having a wet dream about me. His boxers look tight too as I look at his completely obvious erection. Alright should I wake him up? Fuck it.

"Louis" I shake his shoulders a bit but no reaction

"Lou wake up." I shake him harder and this time he opens his eyes and gets up. Our faces are so close to each other and considering what is in his pants right now I blush a bit. He looks down and tries to cover himself.

"Uhh morning Harry." He says awkwardly and inside I want to laugh.

"Breakfast is ready uhm I thought I should wake you up..." I say

"Right thanks I'll be right down I just got to put some pants on and... yeah..." He trails awkwardly and I just stand there. He coughs and I realize I should leave.

"Right sorry." I leave his room and head back downstairs, a small smirk playing on my lips.

"Hey Harry why are you smiling like that?" Zayn asks

"No reason. Breakfast is ready guys!" I call out and Niall practically runs to the counter and almost trips on the way too. I laugh and he shoots me a glare as he sits down.

"Do you want food or not?" I threaten him and his eyes go wide as he gives me a bright smile.

"That's what I thought" I say back and he rolls his eyes.

I serve each of them their food and by that time Louis comes downstairs, not meeting my eyes and looking a bit flushed.

"You alright there Louis? Rough morning huh?" I say to him which makes him blush even more and I chuckle to myself while the other boys look simply confused.

"So Harry what's the occasion for this breakfast?" Liam asks his mouth full and I shrug my shoulders

"No reason just thought we could finally all do something together outside today." They smile and start making plans and discussing what we should do. In the end we all opt for beach volleyball and maybe even go surf. After everyone is done they all leave to go get ready while I stay and do the dishes. Louis though decides to stay for a bit and looks kind of awkward.

"Uhh Harry?" I turn around to look at him

"About this morning..." His cheeks go red and I smile

"Don't worry about it Louis, it can happen to anyone." I reassure him

"That was so embarrassing." He puts his face in his hands and I pat him on the shoulder.

"If you want to know that was actually hot." I whisper in his ear and leave to go upstairs, leaving him speechless in the kitchen.

I run up the stairs to my room and put on my bathing suit. I stand in front of the mirror and stop, tracing on my body all the scars on my hips and my forearms. A sigh escapes my lips as I look at the permanent marks I made myself on my body. Most are healing but they are still visible and the most recent ones are still a bright red on my pale skin and I grimace at how I look. I grab a long sleeve top but before I can put it on I hear a gasp from my door and I see Niall staring at me, eyes going wide. He is staring at me but also my visible scars and his eyes fill up with tears.

"Niall" I put my top on quickly and pull him in the room closing the door behind us. I look down at the floor unsure of what to say.

"Harry?" I look back up and he is staring at me, unsure and I see the questions in his eyes. I feel a wave of guilt hit me and I motion for him to go sit down with me on the bed. We sit, neither of us breaking the silence until I decide I do not like this awkward silence filling the room.

"So why did you come see me exactly?" I try and say in the most casual voice and he runs a hand through his hair.

"Actually I wanted to ask if we could talk later but now we definitely need to." I flinch a bit and avoid his eyes. I gulp.

"Oh yeah? What did you want to talk about?" I ask nervously, still avoiding his eyes.

"I think you know Harry." I sigh and look back at him to find him staring at me intensely.

"Harry-"

"Niall, Harry we're going to start playing without you if you don't hurry." Zayn yells from downstairs.

"Coming!" I yell back, thankful for the interruption and as I walk to the door Niall stops me and comes around to face me.

"This conversation is not over yet." He lets go of my shoulder and walks out of my room and I let out a sigh.


	26. Chapter 25

I join the guys on the beach and try to act as casual as possible even though inside I am freaking out. Niall sometimes steals glances my way but I ignore them and try my best not to look his way. We play volley-ball for about two hours until we get bored of it. The teams were me and Zayn against Louis and Niall and Liam was the referee. We won obviously. Louis and Niall we’re just arguing the whole time since Niall is hopelessly horrible at this game but blames Louis anyways and it was quite the entertainment.

“LOUIS, WHY DIDN'T YOU HIT THE BALL?” Niall starts yelling at Louis

“NIALL IT WAS CLEARLY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FIELD” Louis argues back 

“IT WAS NOT!”

“IT WAS”

“NOT”

“WAS”

“NOT”

Me and Zayn are laughing so hard we clutch our stomachs and even Liam is laughing at the two idiots fighting.

“Alright break it up you two. Victory for Harry and Zayn!” Liam shouts out

“Yes Harry we won!” Zayn and I high five and we start laughing after as I look across the field and notice Louis and Niall both pouting in defeat. Louis looks up at me I wink at him which brings a smile back   
on his face.

“Hey everyone let’s go surfing!” Louis suggests smiling again and they all nod since all four of them love to surf but I was a bit reluctant. I can’t surf at all.

“Uhhm I think I am going to let you guys go and I’ll you know go tan.” I said and I was walking away before Louis pulls me back by my arm dragging me along with them.

“No not so fast curly, you are coming with us or I will drag you there myself.”

“Louis you are dragging me already!” I try getting out of his grip but it is no use

“Oh right well then I guess you have no choice.” He winks at me.

“Louis you know I can’t surf.” I whisper to him

“Don’t worry you're not that bad and the waves are not that big so you’ll be fine.” He smiles and I sigh in defeat. There is no point in arguing with him.

“Alright, ready boys?” Liam asks coming back with the surf boards and we all take one, me more regretfully. They run to the water me following behind and I go until the water reaches my shoulder and I   
push myself on my board and mostly sit on it, waiting for a wave.

The boys are further to my left and going for waves as I watch Liam attempting to catch some but slips off his board. I smile lightly while the other boys are laughing at him and get I lost in my thoughts as I watch them. What happens later with my talk with Niall? Should I tell him everything? I know Niall he won’t let it go. I will probably end up in tears but what else can I do? Unless I avoid him for the next week so we won’t have to talk. If I always have one of the boys with me he wouldn’t bring it up would he? No he wouldn’t do that to me it’s Niall he is the sweetest guy I know. Then again he did agree on that contract. Maybe that’s why I still don’t feel comfortable enough around all the guys because they were part of it? Maybe that’s it. I sigh because I still don’t know what I am going to do with Niall. 

I am pulled out of my thoughts and look around as I notice my board must have moved on its own by the currant of the water because I almost can’t see the beach anymore and the boys are far too. I get a bit worried because I can’t see them anymore. As I feel the sun’s heat leave my back, I look up expecting a cloud to be in the way but turn around faced to a giant wave coming right on me. 

“HARRY!”

I hear Louis calling but I don’t have any time to react and before I can do anything it hits me and I am underwater struggling to breathe. The wave hit me so hard and so fast I didn’t take the time to hold   
my breath and my lungs are screaming for air. I am sinking deep underwater and kicking to get up to the surface of the water. I am fighting hard, kicking to get up to the surface my body begging for air but the waves keep pushing me back down until a thought crosses my mind for one second, just a single second.

“What’s the point?” 

I start to think what is the point of fighting? What is the point of trying to get back up there? I hesitate and I stop fighting, my lungs exploding, begging for some oxygen. My eyes start to feel heavy and I close them, letting myself sink deeper and deeper down in the dark waters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont hate me? :D  
>  alright comment your thoughts :) what do you think is gonna happen ?


	27. Chapter 26

Louis' P.O.V

Today started out as a good day. Even after that embarrassing moment this morning when I was having a wet dream about Harry and he just had to come wake me up. He had to choose this morning to be in a good mood and wake me up. That bastard thought it was funny too. I should lock my door next time. I tried apologizing and he teases me too making me want him even more now. Yeah I had been thinking about it for a while, me and Harry having sex. We still haven't gone that far and I was going to talk to him about it but you know that stupid contract came up. During the volleyball game after breakfast though I could sense something was wrong with Niall as he kept glancing at Harry and I could tell Harry was trying to ignore him. I shrugged it off really they probably just had a small banter before the game. But right now I don't even care about any of this.

We're all standing; all four of us speechless and frozen as we are waiting for Harry to surface back up. Just trying to see a small sign that he is alive. It all happened so fast we got back on the beach since Niall got hungry and I turned around to notice Harry wasn't with us. I looked back at the water to see his curls far from the beach. He was just sitting on his board, innocently and I could tell he was deep into his thoughts. Sometimes this boy thinks too much. Then it was all a blur as I notice the huge wave coming his way. My heart jumped in fear as I screamed his name trying to get his attention and at the last second he looked up confused and finally noticed the wave. He didn't have enough time as he was pushed under the water and off his board. We all froze into place. I see his yellow board come back to the surface but there is no sign of him. None of us move, our eyes not leaving the water until I finally come out of my trance.

"HARRY!" I grab my board and run into the water before I feel a pair of arms around my waist holding me back.

"LET ME GO I NEED TO GO SEE HARRY!" I struggle to get out of whoever's arms are holding me and I can tell their Zayn's but I don't even care as I continue to shout and fight him off.

"Louis! Louis stop fighting listen to me look Liam is going right now you know he is faster at surfing and swimming then the rest of us now stop fighting me or I will have to knock you out."

I look back at the water to see Liam already pretty far from the shore. Zayn's right he might be able to get to Harry before I would. I stop fighting and Zayn finally lets me go as I never take my eyes off Liam. Liam reaches the place where Harry's board is just floating and I see him take a deep breath before going under. We wait, all three pair of eyes now staring at the two boards there. Niall still hasn't said a word about any of this but I can tell he is as worried as we all are. After five long minutes I finally see Liam resurface and he is dragging something with him and it seems heavy. I see his curls from far and I sigh in relief but he seems to be unconscious so I don't start celebrating just yet. They are about ten meters from the beach as I run to help Liam drag Harry's unconscious body back. I take him from Liam who seems to be exhausted and I don't even wait for him as I run back with Harry's cold body in my arms. I lay him down on the beach and try and feel a heartbeat or even a pulse.

"Guys he's not breathing! There is no pulse!" I start applying CPR and I notice his lips have gone blue and his eyes are still shut but that doesn't stop me. Thirty compress then mouth. Thirty then mouth. I keep repeating the process for about ten minutes until I feel Zayn sit beside me, tears going down his face as he puts a hand over mine.

"Louis-"He starts but I cut him off

"No I can't stop. No he is going to make it I know it. Harry wake the fuck up. Don't you fucking dare do this to me don't leave me!" My arms start to get tired but I still don't stop. My whole body is shaking and I can't stop the tears anymore to stream down my face as I choke on a sob.

"Louis stop, it's too late." Zayn pleads but I shake my head.

"It's my entire fault. It's all my fault I forced him to come surf with us, he didn't want to he could have just stayed on the beach, completely safe but I dragged him there it's all my fault." It finally gets to me and I look around to see Niall in Liam's arms, both crying their eyes out and sobbing. I can't see anything anymore my eyes just so blurry as the tears won't stop. Zayn pulls me in a hug and I bury myself in his chest as he whispers soothing words to me.

"Shh Louis it's not your fault it could have happened to any of us." I know he is just trying to help and make me feel better but I just can't as I continue to cry on his shoulder. Suddenly I hear someone coughing and spitting out water as I turn around and see Harry struggling for air.

"Harry!" I practically jump on him and hug the life out of him. Forget that I did jump on him. He seems confused as he is still coughing and looks around.

"What happened?" He asks his voice roach and dry probably from all that salt water.

"You don't remember?" Liam asks him giving him a big hug too as soon as I let go. He hugs back then shakes his head.

"You were on your surf board then a wave hit you and you fell underwater. Maybe you hit your head and that's why you didn't come back up." I say and he frowns as is to assemble his thoughts when a flash of recognition goes through his eyes.

"Oh... yeah I remember now that's probably what happened..." He trails off and Niall eyes him suspiciously but I am too happy that he is alive so I don't say anything.

"Alright I think that's enough excitement for today how about we just go home and watch a movie then we can have our bonfire?" Liam asks and we all nod.

"Harry are you sure you're okay now? You did sort of die because of me..." I ask him again and he nods.

"Louis please don't blame yourself none of it was your fault. If I had been paying more attention to everything around me I would have noticed please don't you dare blame yourself for this" I hug him tight and he hugs me back. I was so scared I thought he was dead. I never wanna live that again.


	28. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So its only Narry in this chapter, I wanted to develop that friendship more i guess. kinda cute i quite like this chapter hope you do too :)

Harry's P.O.V

I felt so confused when I woke up on the beach. I thought I was dead but then I realized the boys had saved me. I stared into Louis' deep blue eyes and his face stained with tears to see he had been worried and when he told me I technically did die, I looked around to see the other boys' faces just like his. A wave of guilt hit me as I realize how selfish that had been. Those boys are my reason to stay and to see the pain I put them through by giving up made me feel so much worst. Of course I didn't tell them about that so I just went along with Louis' story that I probably hit my head. Although, a small part of me; the darker part of me can't help but feel disappointed. Disappointed that it didn't work and I am still alive. I try and get rid of that thought because even though I had been depressed and not exactly in the best state of mind these last few months, I had never been suicidal. Only once when I was fourteen but that was a long time ago. I tried to overdose by taking all of my mum's anti-depressant but she found me in time and rushed me to the hospital and I hadn't tried again since then, for her. I saw how much pain that caused her and I promised myself I would never try and do it again because it would only hurt the people around me. Sadness and guilt rushed through me as I realized I had just broken that promise I had made to myself. I had tried and failed once more to end my life and again it has only brought more guilt and pain to me.

I lie in my bed right now and replay today's events. I am still nervous about Niall's talk but hopefully with my near death experience he forgot about it. The boys are downstairs making some food while Liam sent me upstairs to take a nap because I really was exhausted when we got back to the house and my throat is killing me. A soft knock on my door takes me out of my thoughts and I sit up on my bed.

"Come in." I see a blonde head poking out of the door and giving me a soft smile. I smile back but mentally smack myself in the head. I should have just not answered he would have thought I was asleep.

"Hey Harry, how are you feeling?" He comes and sits beside me and I shrug.

"Fine I guess if you consider the fact that I died today."

"Right." That leaves us in an awkward silence and I cough awkwardly

"So did you want me to come downstairs or something?" I finally say and he shakes his head.

"Harry we need to talk." He gets up from the bed and shuts the door completely.

"No Niall we really don't need to." I say and you can hear the annoyance in my voice.

"Harry mate please talk to me. You can't keep this bottled up forever." He pleads me.

"Yeah well I've been doing a pretty good job at it for about a year now so I think I'm good." I snap and he seems taken aback.

"Harry we've always been close friends what happened?" He goes to put his hand on my shoulder but I back away. I feel the flashbacks coming back into my head but I try and push them away and stay here in the room with Niall. I can't have this right now he doesn't need to see this.

"Niall please let it go." My voice cracks but he just shakes his head.

"Harry we are not leaving this room until you talk to me." I shake my head and hug my knees to my chest. A silence fills the room as he waits for me to say something but my mind is exploding right now.

"Harry." He pleads once more and I finally look back at him.

"Why do you even care? Why now? It doesn't make any sense to me." I finally let out and what I say seems to shock him as he frowns.

"Harry I care about you, I want to help you get better, I want to see you happy with Louis again that's when I truly saw that you were happy. You always smiled when Louis was around holding your hand or even sitting close to you. And it was a real smile not the fake one you had been giving us for the last 14 months. I did notice how you were never happy anymore, barely talked during interviews, always ending up drunk somewhere. You had bags under your eyes even though you were in bed for half the day and your eyes I saw you sometimes were red and puffy like you'd been crying. You stopped eating and I am certain you lost at least fifteen pounds. I never knew it was this bad though until I saw you today. Why did you do this to yourself?"

"If you had seen it months ago why didn't you try and help? Why did none of you notice then or did anything to help me? Why did you sign that damn contract?" I answer back, stuttering slightly on the last question and ignoring his. He seems taken aback by my answer and takes a minute to think about it.

"Because Harry I thought it was just a phase and you would get better. I admit it did take a while to notice but at some point we all did and we just thought you were going through some stuff and soon we'd get our Harry back. I know now we should have done something we should have helped you and that contract was not the answer." I close my eyes and let the tears fall freely down my face and shake my head.

"I don't think it would have helped anyways." I whisper and look down

"Yes it would have Harry it would have made a huge difference! You wouldn't have gone through this alone we would have been there for you trust me mate!"

"How can I?" I say and look back up to meet his blue eyes and I see the guilt on his face and what seems to be a flash of understanding in his eyes.

It was in that moment Niall finally saw how Harry had truly lost faith in everyone. The four people who he had trusted with his life went behind his back and signed a contract meant to break his heart. That is something Harry will never forget nor forgive easily and they were far from getting his trust back but at least he was creating some progress by making him talk.

"Harry." Niall starts. "I want you to listen to me we are all terribly sorry that contract was a mistake we should never have listened to Modest's words we thought that maybe if you fell in love with Lou you would be happier. We wanted to help you and we did Harry you were so happy with Lou it made us all forget about the last part of the contract. We never wanted for you to find out it meant nothing to us anymore. Believe me, please." I see Niall's eyes watering and I pull him into a hug and he sobs on my shoulder. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I can see Niall feels guilty about all this but what about the others? What about Louis?

I fell so deep into depression; it was horrible until somehow everything went back up when I fell in love with Louis. I thought someone had finally tried and given me a second chance or even just a slight possibility that I could be happy. And I was, until everything fell back down right when I put my hands on that contract. My walls came back up and everything I had finally been able to put behind me when I was with Louis all came back at once. Should I risk it again?

"I'll try Niall." I finally whisper in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh if you wanna follow me on twitter @StylesSexOnLegs .xx


	29. Chapter 28

After the talk with Niall and he stopped crying he went back in his room and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was gone. Seems like I still can't get a good night of sleep without nightmares.

I find myself on my surfboard again. I look around but there is no one. The boys aren't even on the beach and it is awfully quiet.

"Louis?" I try calling his name but no one answers.

"Liam? Niall? Zayn? Anyone?" I try again louder this time but once more, no one answers, it's as if I was the only person left on the earth.

The silence that engulfs me is kind of scaring me now and I try and swim on the surf board and get back closer to the beach but it doesn't work. I can't move. I try and swim as much as I can but the surf board doesn't budge. Suddenly I feel like someone grabs my ankle and pulls me into the water. I fight and struggle but whatever grabbed my ankle has a strong grip on it and is pulling me deeper and deeper into the dark waters. I struggle to get out of its hold and when I look down to see what is bringing me down I see so many hands. It's like the whole world is there and I hear those voices again. The ones in my head that had seem to disappear for a while but now I hear them, loud and clear. I try and cover my ears but they are still shouting in my head.

You're fat

Ugly

Worthless

No one will ever love you

Kill yourself

Suddenly as I look down again I see him. Louis. He stops when he notices I have seen him and comes closer to my face. I wanna cry out but I can't and my lungs are burning for air but I don't move or fight. Louis seems to be like floating beside me and we stare at each other for a bit. I start to get weak and my eyes are shutting from the lack of air. This feeling seems oh so familiar. I feel him cup my cheeks and last thing I know his lips are on mine. It's like he is breathing air into me, saving me. Our lips move in sync as I feel myself kissing back. I don't realize it but while we are kissing Louis slowly brings us back to the surface, breaking the grasps everything else had on me. Then he breaks the kiss. I gasp for air and after a few minutes my breathing gets back evenly and I look around but Louis isn't there anymore. He disappeared, I look but he is nowhere in sight. For a moment I am scared; what if he is back underwater?

Something in the back of my head tells me he isn't and I calm down. I look around and I am still back at the beginning. Alone and scared. Because Louis left. What the hell kind of dream is this? I want out I don't like this. WAKE UP

WAKE UP YOU IDIOT

WAKE THE FUCK UP

WAK-

I am finally pulled out of my dream as I sit up on my bed, panting and sweating as I shake the dream off. I hate dreams like that with a burning passion. Ironic dreams I call them; a mix of my fears and some dumb life lesson or basically a metaphor. The drowning now a fear and being pulled down, then when Louis kisses me I get back up. He saves me but then disappears and I am back to the beginning all alone with no one to help me. These dreams always leave me angry so I get up and decide to take a shower. I have no idea what time it is but I don't care I have my own bathroom anyways. I stand under the hot water and let it wash away all my thoughts leaving my mind blank. Sometimes it is much better than my own thoughts. I get out of the shower and change into some jeans short, a light jumper and put a beanie on my hair as I head down to the beach once more. The sun is getting up so it's still quite early.

As I watch the sunrise I think back to that nightmare to try and figure out what it means. Am I afraid of water now? To be honest the thought of going swimming doesn't sound very appealing anymore. But what about Louis? I know I love him and he truly did save me but he left again. When he left I felt empty and back right to where I began. Does it mean I will go back my depression without him? I admit I failed myself again and I got too bloody weak these past couple weeks but I try and resist it. I have somewhat resisted it. But how long will that last? I shake my head and decide to take care of one problem at a time.

I get up from where I was sitting in the sand and head closer to the water. I stop right at the edge before the wave can hit my feet and I freeze. I try and push myself on going further but I can't seem to move anymore. It's as if I was glued to this spot watching the waves and praying the water doesn't hit my feet. This can't be happening I love swimming. I don't understand but looking at the water I am having trouble breathing. I try and relax but nothing seems to work and tears start to blur my vision as I struggle to calm my whole body.

"Harry?" A familiar voice calls my name but I still cannot move from my spot. I don't even turn around to acknowledge him as I stand still frozen.

"Harry are you alright?" Louis comes closer to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh my God, Harry you're shaking what's wrong?" I am? I don't even realize it but finally I turn my head to look at Louis and he must notice something is wrong because he frowns a bit.

"L-Louis?" I stutter out and he nods

"Tell me Harry what's wrong." He insists and I shake my head trying to get my thoughts together before speaking.

"I-I c-can't... the water... I-I'm s-scared" I try and say but mostly comes out as all my thoughts at once and a stutter but Louis seems to catch on as his face lights up and he pulls me into a hug.

"Shhh Haz its okay it's normal after what you've been through alright? It'll take maybe a little bit but you'll conquer your fear of water I promise. You're strong I know you are alright?" He reassures me and I only nod, still holding him tightly.

"Common let's bring you back upstairs." I feel drained of energy and I still feel frozen on the spot so I don't move, I can't. Louis let's go of me understanding my lack of movement and looks at me questioningly almost hesitant. I nod as I understand what he is silently asking me and he picks me up bridal style and he walks back to the house, me in his arms bringing me back to me room. He gently puts me down on the bed, kisses my forehead and he's about to leave when I grab his wrist. He turns around a bit shocked but I don't let go.

"Don't go." I whisper barely audible but he hears it as he nods. He takes his shoes off and comes down to lie with me on the bed as I cuddle into him, inhaling his beautiful smell. His arms come around me, bringing me closer.

"Alright I'll stay. I promise." He whispers in my ear but I don't answer back and I close my eyes. I fall asleep to him humming a familiar tune and finally I feel my body relax.


	30. Chapter 29

LOUIS' P.O.V

The last thing I expected was for him to ask me to stay but I could never have said no. He is cuddling on my chest and I know he fell back asleep. He tanned a lot since we got here. Gives him a sort of sexiness. I just wish I could kiss him again but we have to take it slowly. I was really scared yesterday. I thought I lost him. There is no argument there if he had died yesterday so would I have. I can't live without him. I'd rather die and be with him and then live miserable for the rest of my days. He must have hit his head hard under water since he didn't come up. He's a great swimmer I know that, he has a pool at his step father's cottage that we went on vacation back in the x-factor days. We haven't been there in a while, busy with the tour I guess. He used to go swim in it all the time and he was perfectly comfortable with it. I frown. Wait a minute. I have been playing with his curls for a bit right now and if he hit his head there would be a bump. I don't even remember it to be bleeding. I feel the top of his head gently again, careful not to wake him up but there's nothing.

If he didn't hit his head then what happened? I remember how nervous and hesitant he got when I said that and how quickly he agreed with me. What happened under that water? My eyes go wide as a thought comes in my mind. What if he didn't fight? What if he gave up and tried to end it? I shudder at the thought and my mind starts racing. Trying to remember how he looked like when he woke up. He had a strange expression but I hadn't paid much attention to it I mean he had just died. I thought it was normal that he wasn't feeling the best but when I think about it again I recognize that look. Disappointment. Disappointed that he was alive, that he made it. I don't understand I thought he was better since us. My eyes go wide again. Him and I. Together. But I broke his heart. Did I make it so bad that he would give up on life? I choke back some sobs. Has he been cutting again? I check his wrist carefully and sigh back in relief when I see the scars are older and none are fresh. That still doesn't help the fact that he tried to kill himself today. I can't picture my life without him.

That's it today I am talking to him. I don't care what happens; I'll get the other boys out of the house. I don't realize I'm crying until I feel water dripping down my chin and I quickly wipe them away. I fall asleep like that, thinking over what I am going to tell him tomorrow.

I open my eyes and the sun is now high up in the sky. I look down and I see Harry staring at me. He smiles weakly and I smile back. I kiss his forehead.

"Good morning." I say

"Morning" he simply answers. His deep voice still sends shivers down my spine. He smirks and gets up from my chest.

"You coming downstairs?" He asks me and I nod simply. He shrugs and heads down the stairs. I head to my room first and spray some water in my face to wake me up. I change too but keep it comfortable just another pair or sweats and a t-shirt. When I get downstairs I notice Niall and Zayn eating some cereals at the counter and whispering to each other while in the other corner Liam and Harry seem to be in a big discussion. I frown but then shrug thinking it's none of my business. I head over to Zayn and Niall and take a seat to Niall's left. They stop talking when they see me notice me and stare at me.

"What?" I ask them and the simply shrug.

"So Louis what do you want to do today?" Niall asks

"Can you guys do me a favor actually?" I ask and they both nod

"I need to talk to Harry today it's important and I want to be alone. Can you guys just try and stay out of the house today?"

"Sure mate. Don't worry we'll tell Liam too." Zayn answer and I nod gratefully. He pats my shoulder before getting up and going up the stairs. Niall seems to want to tell me something but doesn't know if he should.

"You alright there Nialler?" I ask and he nods. He gets up and he is about to go upstairs also but before he turns back to me.

"Whatever you are going to talk about with Harry today just be careful okay Lou? He's still fragile, don't push it too far." I freeze looking back at Niall's face. Maybe he knows more then he shows. I remember the looks he kept giving Harry during the day. I should stop underestimating Niall. I just nod and he turns back and head upstairs.

HARRY'S P.O.V

I wake up still in Louis' arms and a small smile comes on my face. He stayed again, he kept his word. I look up to his face sleeping and he looks so peaceful. I continue to look at him for a bit until I feel him stir a bit and open his bright blue eyes. I can get lost in them they are so blue. After a bit I decide it's finally time to get up. I head downstairs while Louis probably goes back in his room to freshen up a bit. I see Liam on the couch watching TV while Niall and Zayn are making some cereals. I head up to the kitchen and look around myself for some breakfast. A thought suddenly comes and I don't know why I didn't even think of that before.

"Hey Zayn?" He looks up at me and waits for me to continue.

"Uhm I don't know why I didn't ask before but uh how did I get back on the beach yesterday? I mean who saved me?" I bite my lip as I ask. It was probably Louis as I think to myself.

"Oh Liam actually swam all the way there." Oh

"Liam?" I ask in surprise.

"Yeah Louis was going to but we all know Liam is the better swimmer and he's faster so I was holding Louis back and Liam went in to save you." Zayn answers and I nod at him. I glance at Liam from the corner of my eyes and he's still watching a show on TV. I should thank him I guess right? I sigh and head over to the couch.

"Hey Liam?" He looks up and smiles lightly at me

"Feeling better Harry?"

"Yeah thanks, I guess I just needed to sleep it off. Uhm could I talk to you for a minute?" He nods and moves a bit giving me space on the couch and I sit beside him.

"What's up? You seem nervous." He asks and he frowns. I look down and my hands are shaking. What the hell? I don't know why I'm so nervous.

"Right uh Zayn just told me that you were the one who saved me yesterday and I just... I wanted to thank you." I look up at him for the last part and he shrugs.

"Its fine really Harry don't worry about it. I'd do it again if I had to." I nod and look down again but my hands are still shaking. I haven't really talked to him since everything has happened so maybe that's why I can't look at him. He seems to notice how tense I am.

"Harry? I know we haven't really talked in a while and I understand but I want you to know that I am here for you if you ever need me okay?" I nod

"I'm fine Liam but thanks." I say and I can tell he doesn't believe me. He straightens himself up so he can face me and I know this is going to be serious.

"Harry I don't think I have said it yet but I hope you do know how deeply sorry we are for everything that's happened. I am speaking on the behalf of all four of us. We never wanted to hurt you and I just want you to know I feel so guilty for what happened. I feel like I could have stopped it and none of this would have happened. We love you please don't go and think otherwise. I know it's going to take you a while before you forgive me, forgive all of us really and trust us again but I want you to know we are willing to do anything to make it up to you." I can tell he's sincere and I look at his warm brown eyes. I know he's telling the truth so I give him a small smile and I nod. He pulls me into a hug and I find myself tightening my grip. I finally let go and he ruffles my hair smiling and smile back lightly, fixing it. Suddenly Niall and Zayn come downstairs.

"C'mon Liam we're going outside I want to go explore the beach, see if there are any coffee shops close by. I would ask you to come Harry but I think you know this beach by heart" Zayn says and winks at me. I roll my eyes but agree. I don't really feel like going out today anyways. Liam nods and they all say bye to me before heading out. I close the door behind them and when I turn around I see Louis sitting on the stairs. Oh right I forgot he was still here. I don't think I am going to like what he is gonna say next.

"Alright Harry, we need to talk."


	31. Chapter 30

“Alright Harry, we need to talk.” I cringe at the hard tone he is using. I’m not ready for this talk. I look down and I hear him sigh.

“No we don’t need to talk about that.” I reply back, my voice already shaking.

“Harry we are leaving in a couple of days. We need to figure this out.”

“No Louis we really don’t.” I snap back

“Harry we are not leaving this place until you and I have talked.”  I sigh. Can I really have this conversation with Louis? I just don’t know if I am ready yet. He’ll be disappointed in me. I never even told him what happened when I was 14. Should I? He might hate me if he figures it out another way but I know he’ll never look at me the same way. Is it worth it? I am so deep in my thoughts I don’t notice Louis leaving his spot on the stairs and coming to sit beside me until I feel him cup my face with his hands. His blue eyes don’t leave mine and I am practically hypnotized by them.

“Talk to me Hazza baby, tell me what’s wrong.” He pleads me, his blue eyes searching mine for an answer.

“I-I don’t know where to start” I answer instead, trying to assemble my thoughts.

“How about we start with what happened in the water...” He trails off looking at me expectantly and I freeze looking up at him. He knows? I am not sure how to answer him and he seems to hesitate on his next question.

“Harry, you didn’t hit your head did you?” I don’t answer; I just shake my head instead and look down. He doesn’t seem too surprised by my answer but more like confirming his own thoughts. I notice although sadness passes through his eyes when I shake my head and I immediately feel guilty. He clears his throat before speaking again.

“So tell me what really did happen under that water then.” I hesitate once more but there is no point in lying anymore.

“I gave up.” I simply answer and he raises his eyebrows.

“What do you mean gave up?” I shrug

“At first I was fighting to get back up, I was struggling to breathe but then for just a single second I thought “What’s the point?” and so I didn’t want to fight anymore, I didn’t think there was anything worth going back up there for. So I let myself sink.” I look back to see his reaction and there is anger as well as pain. He looks down and I see him fighting back tears.

“Nothing worth going back? What about me Harry? What about the other boys and your mum and Gemma. What about the fans? Do you really think the band could continue without you? And me in all of this what would I do without you?” His voice cracks on the last sentence.

“Move on, forget about me and finally live happy.” I answer back

“I would never be happy without you Harry. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me what has gotten into you?! You weren't always like this what happened to the happy Harry I knew, the one from X-Factor who would always laugh at whatever stupid joke I said and would always get naked. Tell me Harry because I don’t know where he went. I just want to help you be happy.” Louis cried to me and now I am also fighting back tears. Should I tell him?

“Lou... there’s something you should know about me. Something I’ve never told anybody. Only my family knows and it’s not something I am really proud of.” He looks back at me waiting for me to continue. I look down at my hands on my laps and he takes mine. His hand fits so perfectly with mine as he tries to reassure me; sensing my nervousness.

“You know you can tell me anything.” I look back up at his bright blue eyes filled with concern and I swallow as I am about to reveal my darkest secret. I look away again and the words flow out of my mouth. 

“I was 14 years old, and it wasn’t the best times for me.”

_FLASHBACK_

_“Look it’s the faggot”_

_“He’s so ugly”_

_“Hey loser maybe you should go kill yourself”_

_I was used to it. Those were insults I would get regularly really. Beatings too usually but I tried and pass unnoticed so the guys that bully me wouldn’t notice me. As I was walking the hallways these insults still hurt but I tried and ignored them as much as I can while walking head down. I was trying to hurry because I wanted to get home without any new bruises for once and before I knew it I was on the ground groaning in pain._

_“Ha look at the fag on the floor. Thought you could escape us today so what are you going to do about it huh?” They kept kicking me and I couldn’t breathe._

_Kept repeating that I should kill myself and no one would miss me. I think this was the worst day of all. At one point they must have gotten bored because they just left and when I finally felt that I was alone I got up, pain shooting in my whole body. I had missed the bus home so I now had to walk or limp home is the more appropriate word. I was going to be late and it wouldn’t be pretty. I hesitated in front of my door step but things couldn’t get any worse so I opened the door and went in. I looked around and my mother’s stuff weren’t there but his were. James. My mother’s boyfriend at the moment he was always at the house even when she wasn’t home. He always got drunk and he hated me but I never told my mum afraid he would hurt her if I did._

_I pass the living room and tried to be as quiet as possible sneaking upstairs but I heard him behind me. I was limping pretty badly already so running up to my room wouldn’t really work. I simply turned and faced him as he took in my state. Limping, bloody nose and bruises all over my body but in his eyes I saw nothing but anger and despise._

_“Why are you late?” He asks me_

_“Can’t you fucking tell” I snap back_

_“Don’t you swear at me you bastard” He slapped me hard across the face which sent me on the floor and tears started to stream down my face._

_“You’re pathetic” He looked at me in disgust and walked back to the sofa._

_I stayed down for a couple of minutes, trying to find the strength to get up the stairs and go in my room. I finally did and I went to the loo and locked the door behind me. I washed my face and when I look back at myself in the mirror I saw what everyone else saw. Ugly, worthless, pathetic, fag and the list goes on. That voice in my head that insults me couple times a day was shouting at me right now and I closed my eyes in pain as I try and block it out. I lift up my sleeve to look at the old scars practically fading now and thought that cutting won’t be enough this time. It’s not worth it anymore. I looked back up at my reflection and anger burst through my whole body and before I knew it my fist was hitting the mirror, shattering it completely. It felt so amazing, the pain and rush I felt. I watched in fascination the pieces of glass all around me._

_I opened the cabinet of medications and I saw exactly what I was looking for. My mum’s sleeping pills. She takes them sometimes when she has nightmares but she hasn’t needed them in a while so the bottle is pretty full. I sat down and opened the orange bottle. I stared at the pills, hesitating but thought back of everything that happened today._

_“Look it’s the faggot”_

_“He’s so ugly”_

_“Hey loser maybe you should go kill yourself”_

_“You’re pathetic”_

_I put all the pills in my hand and popped one at the time in my mouth. One. Two. Three. Four. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. I don’t know anymore am I at twenty-five? I keep taking them and my vision starts to go blurry. I can’t feel my legs anymore and I hear some screaming but I don’t know if I am hallucinating. Suddenly all my senses vanish and everything goes dark._

_I open my eyes, blinded by bright lights and I try and take a breath but I start choking. What the hell? Is there a tube down my throat? I try and get it out and I start panicking, am I dead? I hear someone yelling and another comes over and takes the tube out so I can breathe again. I look around, my vision returning and notice I am in the hospital. My mother is beside me, her eyes are red and puffy from crying and she has purple bags under too. The nurse helps me drink some water for my dry throat and then she leaves. I am alone with my mother as I try and look anywhere but her. I feel her staring at me and I wait for her to say something. I feel guilty and selfish for doing this to her but part of me is disappointed it didn’t work._

_“Why?” She finally asks and I don’t answer._

_“Why Harry? Since when?” I know she means the scars on my wrist since my hospital gown has short sleeves. I finally look up at her, tears threatening to spill from my eyes._

_“About a year.” I finally say and she looks about to break down_

_“Why Harold?”  She asks again and I figure lying would be pointless now anyways._

_“I get bullied at school every day because I am gay, your stupid boyfriend hits me too and hates me when you don’t look and you’re always working how have you not noticed your own son has been depressed for a year now?” I finally say and that’s it she breaks down in tears beside me; apologizing repeatedly. I cry with her and finally after a couple minutes she composes herself again._

_“Harry I want you to do something for me.” I nod and she continues_

_“I am so sorry honey, for me please I need you to get better I love you so much I can’t lose you, baby.”  I hesitate this time but nod again slowly._

_“Harry I want to start over, we’ll move just you and me you can change school and I’ll leave that horrible man we’ll go live just you and me for a while. I want you to go to a rehab center for a couple weeks, I want you to get better I truly believe this will help you Harry please would you do this for me?” She pleads and I freeze._

_I am afraid of doctors she knows it so how dare she ask me this? But I look back at her pleading eyes and I see she really is afraid to lose me. We could start over after, together and this time I will not make the same mistakes. I finally nod and she cries once more and hugs me tightly. I promise myself now to get better, for her I can see how much she cares and it makes me stronger. After a couple days at the hospital I get discharged and my mum drives me to this rehabilitation center for troubled teenagers. I don’t really talk much since I'm nervous but I made a promise to myself and I was gonna keep it. I spent two months in that place, seeing a therapist everyday and fighting the urge to cut. I watched kids get sedated and others with disorders struggle and it marked me. Some were strong like me and were able to get out, others not as much and couldn’t take it anymore. After 8 weeks I got out of it, clean bill of health and waiting for my mum to pick me up so we could start over; ,move to Holmes Chapel and go to a new school, make new friends. This time some secrets will be kept to myself and no one needs to know about the past 8 weeks I have spent._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

I finish my story and sigh looking back at Louis, awaiting his reaction.


	32. Chapter 31

I look up at Louis, afraid of what I might see in his face. Fear? Disgust? Pity? I finally meet his eyes and I see his blue orbs filled with tears and something I did not expect... is that pride? He jumps and hugs me tightly while I am still confused from his reaction. I finally return his hug and when he lets go he sees the confusion in my eyes.

“Louis why did you hug me? I don’t understand. Aren’t you disgusted by my past? Or I don’t know disappointed in me?” I ask, furrowing my brows. This makes no sense.

“Harry I am neither disappointed nor disgusted in you. It’s the opposite really I am so proud that you got through all of that and you decided to change for your mum, you did it yourself. It takes a lot Harry some people aren’t as strong as you and for that I am proud. I am not disappointed everyone goes through rough times and what you were going through wasn’t a small thing. We all make mistakes but we move on and it’s in the past Harry. The past is the past and we can’t change it no matter what we do. I am touched that you trusted me enough to tell me this Harry, I love you and I will always be there for you.” By the time Louis finishes his speech I am in tears and when he is done I kiss him. I grab his face with my hands and bring him closer before he can add anything else. No one had ever said something like this to me.

“How did I get so lucky, I don’t deserve you” I whisper to him, our foreheads touching. He opens his bright blue eyes and without adding anything kisses me again on the lips, just a peck but I felt the love in the couple seconds where his lips touched mine. I put my head on his shoulder and cuddle into him. He kisses my forehead and grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers together. After a couple minutes of just sitting there like this, comfortably and cuddling I hear him sigh and realize this conversation is not over. I pull myself up from Louis and sit back down properly, my back leaning on the sofa. I face Louis once more and brace myself for the rest.

“Harry you told me about your past and I am really grateful for that I really am but I still have some questions about more recent events.” He tries and says the nicest most possible way and I can sense his nervousness so I simply nod. He seems to understand because he frowns and I can see him deep in his thoughts. As he tries and assembles them I admire his beautiful features; his cheekbones and the way he purse his lips when he is thinking really hard. How he constantly brushes a hand through his hair without noticing. I get pulled out of my daydreaming when he finally talks.

“Okay so you have a history with depression but you changed school after and it went away. What triggered it again this year?” He asks and I saw that question coming from miles away honestly.

“All the hate I guess, the stress of always being the one people looked up to, dealing with my sexuality but mostly the hate I guess.” I shrug my shoulders. He nods understandingly.

“Okay so why didn’t you talk to any of us when you started cutting again?” I saw him wince slightly saying the word “cutting” but I pretended not to notice.

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint you guys or that you’d think I am crazy. Also I guess I was ashamed.” I look down as I talk and I feel him move closer and he puts a finger under my chin and forces me to look back up at him.

“Harry we would never think you’re crazy alright? None of the boys would.” I nodded slightly and he let go of me.

“So you haven’t done it since we got together right?” I look away again ashamed and I hear him gasp.

“It didn’t stop that fast, at first it was less and less but then I would be left alone once more and the voices in my head would take over completely. I wanted to stop. For you, and I did. Well that is until recent events I guess.”

“Until you found the contract.” He finishes and I nod. He looks down but I continue talking

“I haven’t done it again here. The two days I was gone were the worst though. I was alone in that little hotel room and the only thing with me were my thoughts so the voices came back. So I went down to the pharmacy closy by and got my hands on a couple of cheap razors that I broke to get the blades. The nightmares came back too. I was so lost I didn’t know what to do; I mostly sat beside my bed on the floor trying not to fall asleep because I was too afraid to close my eyes. One morning though I had enough, actually I wasn’t even sure it was morning I practically didn’t even know what day it was. The voices were getting worst and I wanted to fight them so I went and left the hotel before I could go grab the razor in the washroom again. I made sure you were gone before going in the house and getting some of my stuff. I called my mum and stayed there until of course you guys came to get me. Even here I’ve had the urge to, that’s why I usually escape to the beach during the night so I don’t have to be close to it.” I finish my speech and am quite surprised at how honest I can be right now. What he said next shocked me even more.

“I was so heartbroken when I came back home that day after a meeting with Modest and found our his/her blanket. You left it behind, I remember you never left without it, and you kept saying it helped you sleep. I realized there I had truly lost you. I broke down I couldn’t believe it I knew I shouldn’t have left the house then maybe you would have came back and stayed.” He looked up at me with tears in his eyes now falling down his cheeks. I take my thumb and wipe them away.

“Boo it wouldn’t have made a difference whether you had stayed or not, I was too heartbroken and angry I don’t think I would have come back. I wanted to bring that blanket with me but at the same time I didn’t want to, it reminded me too much of you and I couldn’t have that. I wasn’t strong enough. I ripped it like that in a second of anger. I don't know it just came over me.” I whispered the last part and he shook his head.

“Harry you are the strongest person I know, you can’t even begin to understand.” I nodded not wanting to start another argument.

“You are right about one thing though.” He furrows his brows in confusion, thinking about it.

“What am I right about?” He tilts his head a bit to the left like he always does when he’s asking a question.

“I really can’t sleep without the blanket” I give a small smirk and he chuckles.

“Come back with me and we can fix it.” I stop and look back at him.

The seriousness in his eyes confuses me even more. I don’t know what to do. He sees my hesitation and comes closer and kisses me. I kiss back without hesitation; his lips moving perfectly against mine. I cup his face with my hands while he has his going through my hair and pulling them. I moan faintly and I feel him smirk through the kiss but he doesn’t break it. His tongue brushes against my mouth and I shiver, allowing him entrance as he traces practically every parts of my mouth with it. I feel slightly turned on again as a moan escapes my mouth once more. Louis stops kissing my lips and start going down my jaw line to my neck, applying soft pecks. He knows my soft spot too and leaves what I can feel is a pretty big love bite but right now I could care less. He stops and pulls back with a small smirk on his lips, admiring his work now turning purple on my neck.

“Harry, be mine again. You know I will never make the same mistake again. I want you to come back with me I love you so much. I know it might take some time for you to trust me and the other boys again but I am willing to wait. I don’t care about your past, I will help fight your demons away, and I’ll be there for you like I should have been before. If you let me I will help you in any possible way I can. If all it takes is for me to love you and be there then that’s what I’ll do and I promise you I will never leave.”

In that moment it all became clear. Louis does love me, he cares about me. He is right the trust will take some time to come back but it will someday. He wants to help me fight my demons; he doesn’t think I'm crazy, he is still here. It took me sometime but I now know what I want. I want to be with Louis and I will do whatever it takes. I cup his face between my hands again and kiss him roughly. He seems shocked at first but quickly melts into the kiss. It becomes quite heated as our tongues fight for dominance. Louis falls backward on the couch and I am now on top of him, his hands in my hair, tugging me closer. I start to roll my hips and grind on him and I feel his erection become more and more evident. I pull away and his lips are swollen as he stares at me with the same look in his eyes that I have now. Lust.

“Louis, I want you.” I say and his eyes widen.

“Harry are you sure?” We’ve never gone this far but I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I nod and he smiles. He sits back down on the couch and grabs my hand, pulling me upstairs to his bedroom and when we get in he closes the door behind us.


	33. Chapter 32

Louis shuts the bedroom door then locks it. Okay precaution is good. He turns back around and walks back to me slowly and he is kissing me, this time rougher. He pushes me onto the bed and starts kissing my neck and biting it, leaving even more bruises. I run my hands up his shirt and feel his chest.

"Lou-too-much-clothes." I try and muffle out while his mouth is still on mine. He stops for a second and a small whimper escapes my lips as his leave mine. He smirks but takes his top off and I bite my lip as I stare at him. His lips are on mine again and my hands go behind to squeeze his bum. He moans and I smile a bit but I don't take me hands off. I then bring them to the front and palm his crotch. Our lips still together I feel his erection under my hands and I start to rub him a bit over the pants. I start to undo his belt and I pull his pants down so now he's only in his boxers. I rub his crotch again slowly, giving it a gentle squeeze and he moans.

"Harry, don't be a tease." He finally says and I chuckle slightly.

I pull his boxers down and start stroking him while kissing his neck. I move my hand up and down his lenght slowly and I feel him whimper under my touch. I start going faster and I feel his breath hitch.

"Harry, please."

"What do you want Louis, tell me." I start pumping faster.

"Harry oh please just take me. Let me fuck your mouth." I chuckle.

"With pleasure Lou." I whisper in his ear and he shivers. I push him to the edge of the bed when he stands.

I go down on my knees and approach his length to my mouth. I slowly take my tongue and lick the tip which sends another shiver of pleasure down his spine. I take his dick in my mouth, to the back of my throat and suck. Louis starts grinding his hips and I hollow my cheeks. I hear him moan and I start to move my hands on his thighs which make him roll his hips. I look up at Louis who is biting his bottom lip, while trying to contain his moans.

"Harry I'm not gonna last long I don't want to come like this." My lips let go of his length and I start kissing him, on his thighs, his perfect v-line to his stomach. I bring my lips back up to his and he pulls on my curls before bringing his hands down, pulling my shirt up.

"Take your clothes off." He groans and I don't hesitate as I pull my shirt over my head. He pulls my sweat pants down and starts grinding on me. Our crotches rubbing together as I moan in pleasure.

"Lou we don't have anything." I whisper in his ear in disappointment. He looks back at me with a smirk.

"Really Lou?" He turns back around and goes to his bag and starts rummaging through some pockets.

"Found them." He turns back to me with a feeling of accomplishment and a box of condoms in one hand and lube in the other.

"Well you came prepared." I comment and he winks

He pulls me back closer by my necklaces and bites down on my neck.

"Lou are you sure you want this?" I ask him again and he nods.

"I want you." He simply answers and I get nervous. It's my first time and Louis' I don't want to mess it up. Louis gets on his knees on the bed his back to me, and I start by kissing his back, trailing down and applying kisses all over to distract him. I can tell he is nervous too but he's trying not to show it. It will hurt I know that. I use my index first, putting some lube over it first and I make circles around his entrance, waiting for him to relax then slide half of my finger into his hole, making him gasp. It's really tight and I know I have to wait for him to relax.

"Shhh Lou it's okay." I stroke his dick and that makes him slightly less tight. I insert the rest of my finger and wait a couple minutes, waiting for him to feel more comfortable. I feel his breathing slowing down again.

"Okay keep going." He tells me with a shaky voice but I wiggle around my finger trying to make him adjust to this new feeling. I move my finger in and out slowly then faster and push really hard into him. I hit something at the tip of my finger and it makes him gasp.

"Do that again." He whimpers and I do, adding another finger in. I scissor him and move my fingers up and down, getting turned on as I see Louis getting off on it.

"Harry- fuck I need you." I slip my fingers out and grab the lube beside me. I pull down my boxers, put a condom on and apply a general amount of lube on my length. I press the tip against his entrance, applying kisses on Louis' back and push myself in. I hear him gasp and feel him wince at the pain. I don't move yet, giving him time to get used to it. It's really tight but I don't complain.

"Alright move." Louis orders after a minute or two. I see him wince slightly and I try and get rid of the guilt I start to feel knowing I am causing him pain, concentrating on trying to hit his prostate. I thrust a bit harder this time and a groan escapes his lips. I stop and frown making sure I didn't hurt him.

"No Haz, keep going that felt good." He reassures me and I thrust into him again and he moans. I begin moving my hips faster and faster. I pound really hard as Louis keeps making noises in pleasure. I continue moving with a rhythm and he presses his body against mine, leaving no space between us and I feel my orgasm soon, I don't know if I'll be able to keep it long.

"Haz I-I'm gonna come" I moan, my thrust getting slower each time as I am so close to orgasm.

"Harry fuck" He moans my name loudly before releasing and tightens up even more. The sight of him becoming undone like that under me sends me completely over the edge and I release as well. He gasps and I find myself thinking at how erotic this really is. I pull myself out and lay beside him, both of us panting.

"We are so doing that again." Louis says panting and I laugh.

"We should get cleaned up first." I say and wiggle my eyebrows at him

"Shower?" He asks smirking and I shake my head. Later I mouth as I take his hand and lead him to the bathroom to clean ourselves up. We come back in the room and it is Louis' turn as he starts kissing me all over again and pushes me on the bed. We make out for a couple minutes, giving each other hand jobs before we are ready for another go.

"Spread your legs baby." He whispers to me and I obey. He puts lube on his index also to prep me then I feel his finger poking at my entrance. He slowly pushes the first one in and I take a bit to adjust. Louis' right, this does feel strange. I nod to him to start moving his finger a bit and he does. I tighten up but it takes less long to adjust to the unfamiliar feeling as he adds a second finger and moves up and down a bit faster. He starts to push them in and out of me and I don't feel the pleasure yet until he moves in a bit too hard and hits something that sends a wave of pleasure through my entire body making my knees go weak. He tenses up but my moans seem to encourage him as he adds a third finger in my arse.

"Louis- oh my god- I- need you- now. Louisssss" I moan his name loudly and I feel him take his fingers out as a sudden emptiness fills me. He coats his dick entirely with lube and I can feel he is excited for this as he is rushing. He pushes himself into me and pain comes to me as I whimper slightly and try and adjust.

"Okay I'm ready." I finally tell him and he starts thrusting into me slowly, each time getting harder and going faster. He is slowly rocking inside of me and this is the best feeling. We go on like this for what seems like forever, mostly having pleasure but also just the feeling of being together makes this moment even better and we enjoy it. He pushes a bit further and I finally feel pleasure like I have never felt before.

"Oh Yes Lou, right there ohhhhh" I moan in pleasure which makes Louis thrust faster and faster which causes me to reach climax for the second time tonight. Louis then moans my name and in his turn, releases into me. We stay there for a couple minutes until Louis finally pulls out of me and lies down on the pillow beside me, both of us clearly exhausted.

I am all sticky but at the moment I don't care as I feel exhausted. I am struggling to keep my eyes open and look at Louis who seems to be as sleepy as me. I come closer and kiss his lips gently and sweetly. He kisses back and I put my head on his chest as he pulls me closer and I cuddle into him.

"I love you Lou." I finally say

"I love you too Harry." And that is the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.


	34. Chapter 33

I open my eyes to see Louis still sleeping. I look up to him and still can't get over his perfect features. I gently caress his cheek with the back of my hand and he scrunches up his nose slightly making me chuckle. His eyes flutter open before he smiles and closes them once more, hugging me to him tighter.  
  
"Morning sunshine." He says with a deeper voice from the nap and I chuckle silently.  
  
"Morning? Lou it's like 6 in the evening. We slept like three hours." I try and get up but he just brings me back down.  
  
"Noo Hazza let's stay here." He whines but I shake my head, still smirking.  
  
"No I am hungry and from what I hear from your stomach, so are you." I reply back and he mutters something under his breath. I laugh and get up, but wince as I feel a pain pierce my whole body.  
  
"Is someone a bit sore?" Louis says mockingly behind me and I glare at him.  
  
"How about you try getting up?" I reply back and he smirks  
  
"Touché" I shake my head, smiling and go to the drawers and pick out a fresh pair of boxers with some sweats and my rolling stones t-shirt. I go to the mirror in my bathroom and freeze. Oh my God. My neck is practically covered in purple spots and there are some on my chest too.  
  
"LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON!" I yell and I hear a thump. I look back in the room and see him on the floor.  
  
"Ouch you made me jump why are you yelling?" He asks then his eyes widens as he looks at me clearly. A smile starts his way on his face and he tries and covers his laugh by a cough. I send him a death glare.  
  
"Look what you did to me! I can't go out like this."  
  
"Good thing we are stuck here for the rest of the week then." He winks at me but I growl and head back into the bathroom to shower. I let the hot water relax my tense muscles. I grab the shampoo and start washing my hair. I feel a pair of arms come behind me and I smile lightly. I turn around and kiss him on the mouth as he grabs my hair. We finish showering and get change. I look back in the mirror and examine the purple spots on my neck. I need to find a scarf... Did I bring one by any chance? Its summer and we're at the beach house what a stupid question of course I didn't bring a fucking scarf. Maybe Liam did. While Louis is back in his room I head to Liam's. I look around and open his drawers. T-shirts, tank tops, shorts, socks, boxers. Nope no scarves. Damn. Maybe I could try Zayn's? He usually brings a bit of everything in case of emergencies. I walk to his room and notice how messy it is. Clothes spread all around the room. I look around and notice exactly what I am looking for. Yes thank you Zayn. I grab the dark blue scarf, put it on and head out of his room. I feel silly wearing it but I don't have another choice. I'll just tell the boys I was chilly. Yeah that might work. I head downstairs to see Louis sprawled on the couch, flipping through channels. You could barely tell I made him climax like three times four hours ago. I smirk to myself proudly and head over to the kitchen to find something to eat.  
  
"Harry?" Louis calls from behind me and I turn around to see him standing, looking at me curiously  
  
"Yeah Lou?"  
  
"What are you cooking?" He asks all innocently and I laugh.  
  
"I don't know yet really, trying to see what ingredients we have around here." I answer and turn back, trying to find something good enough to prepare.  
  
"Hey Louis, when are the boys coming back?" I ask and he shrugs his shoulders  
  
"I don't know I just told them to be out of the house for the day so I'm guessing soon." I nod.  
  
"How about fajitas?" I ask and he nods happily. I gather all the ingredients and turn on the stove. Louis comes and sits on the counter beside me and watches me cook. I look at him and smile playfully.  
  
"Why are you just sitting there watching me cook?" I ask  
  
"I don't know, it's entertaining really and your face is so cute when you concentrate." He replies simply and I roll my eyes but the smile on my face never leaves.  
  
"Also I would ask to help but last time I did that I almost burned our flat so I'd rather not do that again." He adds and this time I laugh remembering how I left him for maybe 60 seconds to go take a piss and when I came back the fire alarm went off.  
  
"Good point." I reply and he pouts. I peck him on the lips and he smiles again. He grabs me by the shoulder and brings me between his legs, wrapping them around me so I can't move.  
  
"You naughty, I have to cook." I say smirking and he just shakes his head.  
  
"Nah, I'm hungrier for you." He adds with a wink. His lips are on mine again and I bite down on his bottom lip making him moan  
  
"Okay guys really?" I hear behind us and Louis and I freeze. I turn around to see Liam with his arms crossed, smirking with Zayn and Niall behind him smiling also. I blush and I get out of Louis' legs going back to making food. I hear Niall laugh as I act like nothing happened and Louis is still sitting on the counter, smiling.  
  
"So what did you guys do this after-noon?" Zayn asks and I feel my face get even redder.  
  
"Uhm you know talked and watched movies." I answer but the boys give each other knowing looks.  
  
"So where did you three go?" Louis asks  
  
"Walked around there's a little town about two miles from here. It felt good we didn't get recognized." Liam answered  
  
"So Harry what are you cooking?" Niall asked hopeful and I rolled my eyes  
  
"Fajitas"  
  
"Yes!" Niall smiled and sat down on a stool. The two others followed him and the other four started chatting. I concentrated on my cooking and didn't really pay much attention to them.  
  
"Harry? Harry!" I snap out of my thoughts and see all four of them looking at me.  
  
"Sorry what?" I reply  
  
"I was asking you why the heck are you wearing my scarf?" Zayn asks  
  
"Oh uh I was cold." I stutter a bit and he can tell I am lying. He gets up from his stool and I know he's going to take off my scarf so I break into a run.  
  
"Oh no you don't Styles! Let me see your neck!" I laugh and run around the living room with Zayn chasing me. He finally catches up to me and brings me back to where the boys are. He takes off the scarf and gasps. I blush and Louis does too but the difference is he's smiling.  
  
"Get it Tomlinson!" Niall laughs and high fives Louis.  
  
"Talk and watch movies huh?" Zayn snickers trying not to laugh  
  
"Oh shut up Malik." The other three are practically in tears laughing and I shake my head smiling as I go back to my cooking. Louis kisses my cheek and winks at me. I finish the food and we all take our plates to the dining room. We haven't used it yet I think, usually eating in front of the TV. We chat while eating and laughing, reminiscing old times and it felt good to laugh with them, I felt happy. I wonder how long that's gonna stay.  
  
"So you guys ready for our bonfire tonight?" Liam asks getting up to put his plates away and the rest of the boys cheer. I frown slightly, what if I still can't sing? Louis looks at me worriedly but I shake my head, telling him not to worry about it and he mouths a later to me. I nod slightly, still lost in my thoughts. I wonder how that's gonna go.


	35. Chapter 34

I quickly escape upstairs to my room while the others get up to go clean the dishes. I cooked anyways they can clean up. I panicked when Zayn mentioned the bonfire; I mean what if my singing is still blocked? The simple idea of it makes my stomach churn. What if I can't do it? They'll be disappointed in me; Louis will be disappointed in me. Hell so will I! Speaking of Louis what are we, are we together again? I guess I do kind of want to. He did ask me to be his again but I never technically answered him yes or no although what we did after might lead him into thinking it was a positive answer. I run a hand into my hair in exasperation, but I will have to sing one way or another right? At some point? 

I sigh once more and head into my bathroom, splashing water onto my face. Heading down the stairs I hear the boys laugh outside and it makes me smile softly. I open the back door and see they're all already around the fire. Louis looks up at me and smiles when he meets my eyes. I look around to check where I'm going to sit and notice the one empty chair is beside Louis. I take my seat beside him and he takes my hand in his and intertwines our fingers. He can tell there is something bothering me. He leans closer to whisper in my ear.  
  
"Don't worry, you can do it and you'll sing perfectly like you always do." He kisses my cheek and I send him the most thankful look ever. He winks at me and I feel my cheeks heat up.   
  
"Alright you two, stop eye-fucking each other, I think you've done enough of that today even though it wasn't only eye-fucking." Niall says and this time Louis and I both become red.   
  
The mere little mention of Louis and I's after-noon makes me blush. The other boys start laughing at us and I smile, relaxing back into my chair in front of the fire. I feel Louis pulling on my hand and I turn to look at him. He motions for me to come closer and I gladly accept. I bring my chair closer and he puts his arm around my shoulders, my head resting on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat and I relax. I feel his heart beating remotely faster by the minute and I place my hand on his thighs, silently telling him to calm down. He kisses the top of my head and I smile. This is how it’s supposed to be. Louis and I like this. I could stay in this position forever. The other boys smile kindly at us and I think they all agree.

“Boys,” Liam starts talking and we all turn our heads to listen to him. “Remember when we first met on X-Factor and we basically bonded over bonfires like this at Harry’s? Those were the days.” We all smile softly, thinking back of our time on X-Factor.

“I remember the video diaries; we haven’t done any in so long.” Niall adds also with a laugh

“So many jokes, hey Louis where’s Kevin?” Zayn jokes and Lou laughs.

“Oh right I think he died sorry boys! He’s in pigeon heaven!” We all chuckle at his statement.

“Louis, how could you not tell us?” I fake cry into his shoulder

“I’m sorry Harry; I didn’t know how to tell you please forgive me!” He plays along dramatically

“Alright” The others start laughing at our childishness and Louis kisses my cheek making me giggle.

“What do you think the best things from X-Factor were?” Niall asks

“Well for me it was definitely the video diaries.” Zayn adds and Niall and Louis nod in agreement

“For me I think it would be the live shows. It was just so amazing to perform together for the first times and we were still learning to know each other back then” Liam says. It goes quiet for a little bit until I break it.

“I think my favorite part was Liam’s hair.” I say randomly and the other boys start dying of laughter.

“Harry you finally made a joke that was funny!” Zayn says still trying to get his breathing back from laughing so much.

“Shut up you twat, my jokes are hilarious.” I flip him off and he sets off again into another fit of laughter before winking at me. I roll my eyes but smirk a bit.

“Yep, I think we had some great times at the X-Factor and it’s made some pretty good memories.” Liam concludes and once more, silence fills between us while everyone is in their own thoughts.

“I really hate carrots.” Louis randomly says in complete seriousness and I burst out laughing, the others joining me couple seconds later.

We joke around for a bit again just bickering and annoying each other just like old times when Niall finally takes out his guitar. I tense up a bit and try and make myself relax. They start with “Steal my Girl”, then “Story of my life” and even try “What Makes You Beautiful” but I don’t open my mouth for any of them not even my solos. I think I see the disappointment in their eyes. I need to try at least but whenever I think about opening my mouth my throat goes dry. Suddenly Niall starts with the guitar on another song and I know finally I have to do it. Niall starts singing softly.

  
_ I'm like a crow on a wire  
You're the shining distraction that makes me fly, oh_  
I'm like a boat on the water  
You're the rays on the waves that calm my mind  
Oh, every time  
  
I shut my eyes tight and finally I sing exactly how I feel

  
_ But I know in my heart, you're not a constant star_  
_And yeah, I let you use me from the day that we first met_  
 _ But I'm not done yet, falling for your fool's gold_  
And I knew then, you turned it on for everyone you met  
But I don't regret falling for your fool's gold  
  
I exhale I can't believe I did it. I look up and the boys are all smiling at me, Liam winks before going on his line

  
I'm the first to admit that I'm reckless  
I get lost in your beauty and I can't see, two feet in front of me  
  
Louis just holds my hand tighter

  
_And I know in my heart, you're just a moving part_

And finally we all sing along together

  
_And yeah, I let you use me from the day that we first met_  
 _But I'm not done yet, falling for your_  
 _Fool's gold_  
 _And I knew then, you turned it on for everyone you met_  
 _But I don't regret falling for your_  
 _Fool's gold_  
_  
_Zayn finally sings his part with his eyes closed softly

  
_ Yeah, I know your love's not real  
That's not the way it feels  
That's not the way you feel_  
  
_And yes, I let you use me from the day that we first met_  
 _But I'm not done yet, falling for your f_ _ool's gold_  
 _And I knew then, you turned it on for everyone you met_  
 _But I don't regret falling for your f_ _ool's gold_  
  
 I am relieved now and this was the perfect song. I feel tears stream down my cheeks as I look at Louis, singing the last line.

Everyone is quiet and I am still staring into Louis’ eyes and he understood how I was dedicating this to him and I see tears start to form into his eyes. He cups my cheeks with his hands and delicately presses his lips against mine. This kiss means so much and I feel something wet as I realize he is crying also and I deepen the kiss. He breaks it first and we rest our foreheads against another just hearing the other breathing. He presses his lips against my forehead before turning back to the others. I look back also and I see Liam in tears with a smile of pure happiness mirroring the other two that wear the same one. We sing a couple of our other songs, laughing and sometimes making a lyric change. It’s been hours we’ve been here and I know there is one last thing I have to do.

“Niall can I use your guitar?” I ask him and he looks confused but nods anyways and hands it to me. I take it and start strumming it, trying to get used to it and look back up, the boys all looking at me slightly confused.

“Uhm, I wrote this song, couple weeks ago actually and I want to sing it now, if you guys are okay with it.” I ask nervously and they all nod encouragingly. I gulp nervously before shutting my eyes and taking a deep breath. I start singing.

_Now you were standing there right in front of me_   
_I hold on it's getting harder to breathe_   
_All of a sudden these lights are blinding me_   
_I never noticed how bright they would be_   
  
_I saw in the corner there is a photograph_   
_No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you_   
_It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass_   
_This bed was never made for two_   
  
_I'll keep my eyes wide open_   
_I'll keep my arms wide open_   
  
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_   
  
_I promised one day that I'd bring you back a star_   
_I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand oh_   
_Seems like these days I watch you from afar_   
_Just trying to make you understand_   
_I'll keep my eyes wide open yeah_   
  
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
  
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_   
  
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone_   
  
_Don't let me_   
_Don't let me go_   
_'Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone_

I open my eyes again and look at everyone’s reaction to see all the boys crying softly. I search their eyes for anything that would be like disappointment or hatred but I find none. Instead I am filled with immense looks of pride and love. I look back at Louis who is trying to control his sobs. I place the guitar down and wrap my arms around him. He cries softly into my neck and I see the other boys’ giving each other’s knowing looks before getting up silently and going upstairs. Niall gives me thumbs up and I smile softly, still rubbing small circles on his back.

“It’s alright Boo.” He starts to calm down, his sobs becoming less frequent but I can tell he is still shaking.

“I-I’m so s-sorry Haz.” He tries to say but I shush him and keep hugging him until I feel he’s completely calmed down.

“Talk to me now Lou.” I let him and he takes a deep breath trying to control himself

“I was just so proud when you started singing Fool's gold and now this song, it’s so beautiful and powerful and sad and I feel like you wrote it after what happened? And then you just sang it with so much emotion and I got just overwhelmed by how beautiful it was and I felt like it was only me and you there and you were singing to me and I don’t know I just broke down.”

“It’s okay Boo, don’t worry and you’re right I did write it a bit after I left I just had a lot of emotions and I had to put them down on paper. I forgive you now.” His eyes go wide as mine as I realize what I’ve said. I had never actually said it aloud before.

“I forgive you, Louis.” I say it again softly and he presses his forehead against mine.

“I love you so much Harry.”

“I love you too.” And maybe just maybe things will be okay from now on.


End file.
